Unfortuante events of my college life.

Ever since i moved into a dorm, nothing seems to go right. I spill nail polish remover in my pillow and laptop. Thank god that didnt die. I dropped my laptop ftom my bed because it was near the edge and i bounced on my bed. (Ok, my bad that time. But its still an accident that seems never to happen to anyone but me.) I had my period and found out too late that i bled through my sweatpants. My USB nearly stopped working on me for no reason. And for home stuff, i didnt realize my printer cord was long enough not to hav to move my extension to my table, but only after half the semester passed. I found out the bed cover i brought too late could be more comfortable after i kept readjusting it for a week. My new glasses are making my eyes worse and worse till i feel blind and have a constant headache fron using them. I have failing grades and a dead romance. Distant friends and a roomate whom i never talk to. But ive been given soooo many more opportunities than others. I finally have an accessible gym and time and places to run but my shin hurts and knees are weird. Then i get into a second bike accident before properly enjoying myself and yet again i cant run. I have a considerate roomate. An international student. I have the chance of a life time to have fun and be amazing! But i didnt take it. Adrian came and showed interest in me but i kept waiting and saying stupid things that finally pushed him away. Ive delved deeper and deeper into my own sink hole and strived for more and more when i really shouldve been enjoying the present and seeing all that ive got. My life is sooo expensive and im not paying a cent. I need new glasses, wisdom teeth appointment, cavity fixing appointment, and first aid from my two bike accidents. I also got a new samsung galaxy 3phone and that wasnt cheap. Now i need a new laptop, and right before finals!! Grrrr seriously, could i get anymore bad luck?? Ehat have i dine to justify allthis? Not that much. What have i done to deserve all this? Nothing so bad that it deserves ALLof this. Or nothing that i can remember. I constantly feel bad for everything i do, mostly because i know i go by my first instincts them reakize how that instinct may be percieved as rude and weird and i end up embarrassing myself.

I mean really, could this get anyworse? Probably, now that ive jinxed it.

Languages

Hmm sign language, French, Or chinese? oh so many languages to learn when I can barely speak english lol
I, sadly only know english, and it's not like I'm spectacular with it. I don't have jokes and deep phrases just lined up in my head bursting to show off my intelligence. I can barely speed read or speak. Of course, this is the average american born in america with no other culture. However, atleast some of them go off to rap, sing, or learn crazy funky amazing accents that are actually quite credible. Me? Ha!

Well, my objective as of last year was to learn sign language to make up for never catching on to spanish in high school and never trying with chinese despite the efforts my parents put into it. And by parents I mean my mom. Then as of two months ago, I wanted to learn french so I could sing Yelle's amazing pop songs. Thank you pandora, for adding more to my plate. If you hadn't played such good music, I probably wouldn't be trying to learn 50 things at once. Now, as of 3 weeks ago, I wanted to learn chinese finally because I have time for a minor and have great resources and have no reason not to try again. So splurging around I found google translate and some other stuff online. But now I just don't know. What exactly should I concentrate on? You do realize amidst this crazy hectic quarter life crisis, I have school and grades to keep up for pre-med so stringent med schools don't frown upon me like those eyes that are always watching God, silently judging, right?

Life is beautiful, and life sucks. I need time, but time is so limited.

A stroke of genius!!

"This close relationship is most apparent in how we perceive the flavors of food. As anyone with a head cold can attest, food “tastes” different when the sense of smell is impaired. Actually, what is really being affected is the flavor of the food, or the combination of taste and smell. That’s because only the taste, not the food odors, are being detected."

which is why food always tastes the same for me, since I cannot perceieve smells

http://www.brainfacts.org/sensing-thinking-behaving/senses-and-perception/articles/2012/taste-and-smell/

Guns are ridiculous

It's ridiculous how crazy people go over guns. Even talking about it, or shapes of guns or hello kitty bubble guns. I can see how guns are dangerous, and can easily wound people and circulation of guns should be watched more carefully, but strict gun control and controlling thoughts on guns? But I can also see how people may need a gun or want a gun and all that. So what do I think about all this?

Guns are an intellectual tool created since the beginning of time. If we cannot talk about guns, can we talk about arrows and archery? Aiming? Will we go as far as darts? Essentially, we can draw this down to the very basics - we are afraid of guns because of how fast and efficiently they kill or wound others, even with minimal knowledge. Well, can't the same be said for darts, blow guns (which are just advance spit-ball guns, in case you were wondering), and anything that has a potential to hurt when thrown? Hell, you can count in knives if you want to go that far. I don't need to be trained at a circus to throw knives and aim it at a spinning wheel to know how to throw a knife and accidently hit someone. Darts are created so that it's easy enough to throw and hit someone, as long as you don't throw it backwards. I may aim for your shoulder, but I'll probably end of hitting your head, heart, throat, or other vital area. With archery, it's considered shooting. In fact, this is the primeval gun. This is where the idea of a Gun first came about, if you ever went to a history museum, went to history class, or watched TV. So why is it that we discriminate against guns and guns only being so damn dangerous? You need a licence to get it, we need to control gun circulation, we need to do this and that so guns don't end up in the wrong hands, but how about darts? you could carry a pocket full of those and start shooting people down. You can't trace these back to the owner if you didn't see them throw it, just as you can't trace a shot bullet.

Reason I even had this rant is because I was mentoring a 1st grader with reading and writing. We were working on long and short vowels. I showed him "-ame-" and he thought it was the same as aim and sure, why not? As long as he sounds it out right and doesn't start spelling "aim" instead of "ame", I could care less. Naturally, the first think anyone would think of is shooting if you talk about aim. He loves Mario, and I suppose there are some cannons (also another precursor to guns) or handheld cannon (called a gun) in mario. He started telling me about shooting in mario and guns and arrows and what not.

I could see the teacher at the printer next to me was glancing over trying to decide whether to interrupt on the subject.

My question is, should she have interrupted? The boy was doing so well pronouncing long and short "a." Should the teacher have stopped him and told him never talk about it? Or should she have just ignored it and not draw attention to it?

Hygiene

I bet if people answered honestly and without peer/social pressure, they'd say they only wash their hands after using a bathroom because people will judge you if you don't. But honestly, it's not neccessary. I barely wash my hands before meals, after bathroom business, and playing outside and all sorts of dirt and grim, Yet, I'm been sick less than a majority of people who are germaphobes and maintain super healthy lifestyles. Back in caveman times, did they wash their hands? Did they survive? Yes. They didn't live long because they didn't know diseases when they saw one and didn't know how to prevent it. Plus they had sporadic and unprotected sex. But they didn't have short lives due to not washing their hands. Same goes for showers. People shower daily, and some twice a day (morning and night), but is it neccessary? Showering is a must, don't get me wrong. However, it's not a top priority. If you feel clean, you are clean. That's been my motto for 100% of my 19 year old life. Shower only when you get physically dirty, you have icky stuff or your skin is sticky from dried sweat and grime. And of course if you have blood from wounds or other people's blood on you, yes, go shower and take care of all that. But there's absolutely no need for a daily shower. There's also no need for hand washing after bathrooming and before meals. This is just a little advice from someone who's lived her whole life not being able to smell, so I never knew when to shower and so I didn't shower and voila! I'm happy and healthy and never cared for hygiene. 

My heart flutters with his every word!

Hey so I'm back!! I hate myself for being like I am, but I'm becoming a total girl falling head over heels for a guy who I'm not even sure if he likes me. He's given me so signs you know, like complimenting my nails, and inviting me to tennis, starting facebook chats, being the one to find me on facebook, and also taking me to this place for dinner after our tennis game one night!! But the dinner thing could've been like, oh, we need food, and it's dinner time and we're both hungry, we should go. And the nails thing could be because I have weird nail art that's just not the norm. And then the facebook thing and chats could be because he's super social and so to him it's super normal to find everyone he can and chat whenever he has down time. And we studied together today but he seemed totally out of it and I have no idea. His eyes were bloodshot like he'd stayed up all night or was stressing out over orgo? Yea, he's really behind in orgo and he wanted me to help, but he didn't seem to be paying attention but I have no idea why. Then we went to lunch and it was just easy and fun and OMG!!!

He's cute, he goes to the gym, he plays soccer, tennis, and likes Harry potter (which I'm a huge fan of!) and he totally doesn't mind hanging out with me and telling me personal details!!! Ugh, why is he so perfect? I did only meet him for a week, and this is technically the 2nd time we hung out so maybe I should wait, but OMG!!!! I'm dying. I'm thinking about him, I get excited when I see he's online and ready to chat, I just feel stupid and silly about everything I do, and I get butterflies in my stomach over nothing, which is NOT normal for me. Wow, it's soooo cliche and I said I'd never do this -__-

I'd like every love song and rom-com put together and clashing in my life during a time when neither one of us has time to see each other. He's super behind in orgo, I'm super behind in life, but we both made time to talk and meet, but neither one of us wants to make the move, but then we've never really had the chance (yet!) so I have no idea. Is this a crush? Is this love?? This is the first guy who likes me who I also like, so I'm not sure what I'm feeling.

But I feel like the more he knows me the more he may not like me. I'm forgetful and stumble over words and I'm not religious and he is and I'm not athletic (though I want to be/try to) and he is and he's into anime and I'm not and I read and he doesn't and I HATE spicy food and he does and we have nothing in common aside from the fact that we both want to go into health professions. But then I feel like he feels like an underdog to me since he's kinda sheepish about asking me for help on stuff, but I'm glad to help him with school work but I don't want to be pushy. I've finished calc 2, taking physics 2, and orgo 2 and all my classes are like 1 step above his. Is that a thing? Do guys feel emasculated and weird about liking a girl who's taking higher classes and involved in more activities? I mentor kids, I hold officer positions in two clubs and I hope to pass my interview for a tour guide position. But so far, I... I don't know what activities he has. Oh, what if he doesn't have any and feels like I'm just bragging? ugh, I hate this - I HATE NOT KNOWING!!

grrrrr don't you just hate it? What if you couldn't smell yourself to check if you smell good, bad or other? the worst is if you can't smell your food to see if it's bad or not. like MILK!! It tastes weird, but it could either be because it is bad or because you just ate something sweet or you just woke up and you still have that taste of pooling saliva in your mouth. What sucks is if you feel smooth and clean and fresh, but you don't know if there are lingering odors on you because 1) you didn't shower for a few days 2) you went somewhere and those odors stuck to your clothes 3) I don't even know why else you'd smell because there's nothing else I hear from others.

What also sucks is having to depend on others to figure out if it smells bad in a room. You could be breathing in gulps of air and enjoying yourself when your roomate tells you, "hey, do you smell that? What is it? I think it's a gas leak" Now, would you just feel like the biggest idiot in the world?

Yea, of all the "disabilities" to have, this is pretty minor. But it's also bigger than most because no one immediately knows it and may/may not believe you if you tell them. It's like having a gay disability, and my coming out

crazy summer!!

so elated right!!! Have no idea, but I'm just.... HAPPY! I'm proud of myself, confident, and just amazing! I think it's cuz I got to share with everyone my crazy schedule and flirted with this cute TA and had people laugh at little jokes I'd been cracking all night. Also, it helped that smiled along with everything and MY EXPERIMENT TOTALLY DIDN'T FAIL TODAY!!!!! And I got to bike around and drive and be cool and look hot and YAY!!!! Ok ok, let's be real now - I probably need to study because I have, as of right now, less than 6 hours of sleep plus 2 exams to study for that I still haven't spent quality time on. 80% in math and I'd always been above average with grades - plus a FINAL tomorrow, so we''ll see how it goes, right? I have a bio exam - one of three for the semester - and I literally haven't touched a wink with that material. wow - I'm gonna fail both, aren't I? I blame the bio professor. Seriously, she doesn't know or care about anything - After info from AP Bio, I feel like I can't trust this lady's lectures, since she forgets terms, she reads her slides, she creates powerpoint slides that are soooooo full of info, it's basically the textbook and she stutters over her words. She never definitely defines vocab and just doesn't make exceptions - even for my situation - I can't reschedule math cuz there's no professor, and I have no time to do anything with this info since I'm drowning in work and no time. Alright, this blog's a mess, and I'm sure none of you read it anyway, so It's all good. This isn't meant t be read - it's just me venting to anyone who'll listen.

Harry potter society pisses me off!

Why, in the Harry potter series, do people follow a bald short chubby noseless cancerous man lead them to war? Voldemort, if you've heard him in movies or read about him in the series, he has a raspy voice - a common symptom of smoking or other lung problem. Yes, I understand he's been through hell and back, literally, but he's so fragile! Just because he survived, doesn't mean he won't drop dead any second, or just die in his sleep. Actually, does he sleep?

Also, in the "muggle" world, even now, we would never EVERY let some ugly weird guy lead us to war. Yes, he's got character - bravery, brains, powers... amongst other things. But have you ever heard of a group of people following a leader just because of his character? Nope. Every leader we've seen - they looked decent - healthy. They weren't bald, they didn't have veins covering their heads, they didn't lose a body part, they didn't have evil red eyes (which the directors of Harry potter forgot to add by the way). Oh the countless things.

If I were a follower, I'd try and kill Voldemort and succeed him rather than proudly claim I will allow this evil conniving man whom no one can trust to order me around like a puppet because I believe he'll win.

Fuck, ain't nobody gonna win if they don't got mindless cowards supporting them!

Smells

as a foreigner to odors, scents, and any smells, It's been an investigation learning about odors.

1. New car smell? yes, it exists. Pleasant odor? Nope. been in at least 3 new cars, one of which I've been driving for a year. Just realized new car smell isn't good. New cars smell like carpets. Carpets.... i can only imagine it's bad from the sounds of it, and the only thing I can think of is a damp or wet carpet because it apparently soft linens smell good, meaning dry smells are good. So damp carpet... from what I gather with touch, it's.... i can only descibe as damp lingering.... I don't know.

scents are only nice for awhile because you grow accustomed and then temporarily immune to the smell, like sitting in a warm room and not realizing it's warm until you leave and come back.

Smells are weird.

Vinegar's the closest I've gotten, as far as smells go. It makes my sinuses tingly, which I assume is the sweet acid vapors drifting in my nose. Aside from that... nothing.

Dung? I'll say is acrid. how do I know? well, from cartoon it has sickly vapors hazardously rising up in predatorically slow motion. Dung is mushy and I'm taking an educated guess to say it's a base. I'm saying it's like the humid air - thick and sticks to you. it sits and sickly sweet. not sickly sweet like it's 100% sweet odors, and it's just overwhelming like when walking into a bath and body works. No I'm saying it's sickly sweet as in..... i don'y know. It's more sickly than it is sweet.

Sickly sweet, I can only image that's like a man made syrup that so thick with taste it's layer upon layer upon layer of sweet stuff and it's so thick that when you try to pour it it basically sits there. it's dark red, beautiful but horrid.

Most thing I just think of as bad or acrid or something will be in my mind, "musty." Where air just sits and it's not thick but it's enough to open your sinuses and sting a bit or.... more acid than vinegar... or just... i hate not knowing. I only know from information I gather from sight, touch, and taste.

AHHHH!!! Why the hell can't I smell? I want to smell all this!!! it's like eating 24/7 but with your nose and not your taste buds.

Sounds beautiful to be able to smell and now that I'm more aware of how many things emit odors, and how crazy attractive cologne is, I WANT TO SMELL EVERYTHING!!!

Literally, if I were to go up in heaven, I'd want a world of odors. Trees. Rain. Flowers. fresh air.

My 1st something

So I've already had a first guy to try and kiss me. But I didn't like him. I've had my first guy to publicly express his crush on me. He was annoying and couldn't take hints. Like Steve urkle. And I've had my first guy to touch me and hit on me not so subtly. That was just weird and creeped me out. Today? I had my first guy to ask for my number. Yea, it was exciting that he asked and all, but I didn't really think much of him. We had a group project. We talk in class. But I never thought of him as liking me, much less me liking him. In fact, I definitely remember I always tried to stay away from him because the first time we met as a group, he went out to smoke. Plus he's loud and not that handsome or cute and a Phil major who knows no science and he's a bit flabby. Trust me. He doesnt do cute little things, he doesn't seem charming and he doesn't woo. I need the woo. I yearn for the woo. So yea, every night I dream and wish and dream of a guy, any guy to hold me and cuddle and chat with and be with, but that doesn't mean I literally want just any guy. Ugh, all the wrong guys like me, and all the guys I like don't do anything to say they're interested. Why?? This guy is nice but I think it's just common place polite or friendly behaviour, not flirting behavior. He smokes and he's not all that interesting to talk to. How?? How do you tell these guys you don't like them? What more of a hint do they need? I think if I'm not making an effort to talk to you an in fact, I'm making an effort to stop talking to you or I look the other way or I just... Ugh!! Then yea, get the hint-- I'm not interested!!

On the other hand, I could be totally conceited and he just wants a friend, and he has no friends because his smoking drove them all away.

But then again, he asked for my number at the end of the semester!!! Right be fore summer break!!!!


Ugh. Just... Ugh. I'd rather go back to writing about murder dreams and horror/thriller dreams playing out in my head. Or ghost dreams of magic and mystery and enchanted lands and guys I like talking to me and hugging me or me having an actual social life outside of my, what, three friends?? Yea, maybe that's why all the guys I like don't like me. I try too hard.

Yay!!

Super elated today!! Got an email saying I got into the honor society, even if my GPA as of last semester was 3.292, and I got an interview to go mentor kids, yesterday a second guy noticed my zipper bracelet and we got to talk about it, I get to look pretty for three days in a row and it wasn't wasted on some dull nothing day, and I am still super excited about being picked for Red Cross treasurer and sign language club secretary, even if its because no one else would run for the positions... And I'm sooo on top of all my work!!! Well, that is until next week when I have to actually study and know material I haven't seen for weeks. Sigh... Maybe I'm not that ontop of everything and I should stress, but its so nice out, and I'm lookin cute, and I just feel... Great!! I need to get vitamins from the store to fill up on iron, since apparently my iron is allllllllways too low.

Anyways, just wanna say, I'm totally in love with formal dresses now and can't wait til my wedding when I get to design and plan my own wedding!!! And pick dresses for friends' weddings!!!! Say yes to the dress is too addicting, I need to get a life. Ok, see ya!!

Mixed everything

UGHHH!!!!!!

I HATE people!!! I HATE how people don't tell you exactly what's wrong, why they do or don't like you or if they like you at all!!!! Fuck, it's what I do too, so I guess I have no place, but I FRIGGING NEED TO KNOW!!!! I was the ONLY one I knew who was super excited to go to Maryland day, and I invited 5 different people. One was busy studying, one didn't know if she had enough time to finish stuff, one was going to get back to me about her schedule, one was fixing her hair, one was volunteering and was gonna tell me where to find her and when. BUT NOONE FRIGGING CAME!!! One girl said ok, but cancled the day before! Fucking idiots!!! I wanted to go to volunteer and get a free t-shirt, but nooooo they didn't need me. So I decide to go for fun, play games, get prizes, enjoy some sun and non-school time. but noooo no one had time. Then the day passed. Guess who did go? My friend who was too busy, my friend who was volunteering and said she'd tell me when and where she would be for me to go, my friggin other friends who always do things together without me and I have no idea why I'm the third wheel!!! WHY!!! Why can't I ever be the SECOND wheel!!!!!!!! Fucking hate this... why, why don't people like me? Why can I not have a freaking social life? I tried being myself, not working. I tried playing victim, not working. I tried being super happy, not working. I tried acting "cool", not working.

HATE MYSELF!! HATE PEOPLE!!! HATE LIFE!!!!!!!!

On the other hand, I frickin' get to be Treasurer for Red cross club, Secretary for ASL club, and I get a free mug and breakfast tomorrow if I get to school early!!! I have... ok, I don't have great grades, and I'm freaking out about life and academics and such, but I MIGHT BE UTA!!! I HAVE PASSING GRADES!!!!

Then I have easy classes. I have soooo much time wasted. I don't feel as bad as I used to about myselef, but I feel so... AVERAGE!!!

I'm sooo desperate for a guy, I dream of potential boyfriends with every guy I talk to!! I get excited just talking and interacting with a guy!! ugh, I need to go out more.

oooooooooooo..................... ok. I got this. Let's go.

reflecting over my semester and the past two weeks...

NOOOOOOOO! Why can't people steal my bike, my phone, or something else I WANT to lose? Why steal the one thing I actually NEED?? grr, I've got assignments, schedules, exams dates, events, agendas and notes all listed on that ipod, plus games with my achievements that I now have to re-play because stupid people want ipods they find :( RAWR!!!!

But then I found out.... IT WASN'T STOLEN!!! Yea, I knew I left it in the lab, but I figured someone'd steal it. But... YAY!!! NO it didn't!!

Today I thought I'd lost my 3 year old iPod when I left it at school. Thank god Karma was working with me today and some good soul found it. Here's what they sent me using my email: "Hey I found your iPod in the math computer lab and I'm going to leave it in the math building lost & found. I hope you find it!" THANK YOU WHOEVER THIS IS!!!!

Anyway Today I went to a volunteer thing with America reads Day, and got to talking with people about school. So This semester what have I encountered? A girl who doesn't follow lab proceedures and thinks she's so amazing she comes over 15 minutes late to lab everyday and answers her phone in class and mixes two chemicals together that you shouldn't but she did anyway because she was curious!! It reacted and turned into a brown bubbling mix that was gross and I don't know if it smelled, but it sure as hell looked like it would smells. looked like quicksand in a test tube. Then one time, she actually TOOK chemicals from lab and when we forgot how the reaction looked, she whipped out the chemicals and was like, "oh, let's see what happens!" NOOOOO! This is Calcium and H2O we're talking about! No!

Another thing I've encountered was a guy would wouldn't wear shoes even when he is so obviously carrying a pair to class. I saw him today too and not in class but he still didn't have shoes. Yes he has shoes, but he doesn't wear them. His feet are dirty, his toenails aren't clean and clear They're like dried and stuff... you know what it looks like when you don't manage your toenails for around a year.... Plus this is a guy foot - llike as in he had veins around, not arc in the foot to give viewers and asthetic appeal or anything!!

Then I've met this guy who would smoke whenever he had the chance! If he's waiting on our group, and it doesn't look like we'll be ready in the next 5-10minutes, he'll excuse himself to go have smoke!!! WHY?? seriously, just take a break, use school as a distraction from your bad habits!! Grr.

Another thing is a bomb threat in a library, a freakin' week of misfortune (Boston bombing, Texas plant explosion, ricen threat to Prers. and Senator, suspect killed, another hospitalized in a suicide attempt, and a nephew that killed his off-duty officer uncle, and a perv hitting on me within the first 30minutes of meeting him in the metro on the way to DC from school).

Then another week of just pure crushes and romance. Actually, no, I've been dreaming and dreaming of love and boyfriends and dates and flirting with cute guys and all that. But it's this week that seriously just blossumed into OMG! level. Like, I got excited and prepped up my looks for guys, I thought about them, and all that! Yes, before I said I didn't like my TA in a lovey-dovey way, but I'm starting to see a crush forming!! But it's all good because now it's two weeks from the last day in lab! But just seeing him not in a lab coat, without glasses, with one of those string necklaces guys wear to show they're laid back or whatever, and the two of us TALKING nearly every other day!! Given it's just chem and doesn't go beyond that, but... ugh, this is so high school.

Another guy, he's a year older and I know he has a girlfriend because people always talk about him spending time with her, but yea he is actually kinda cute!! I've always liked him from the beginning just cuz he's chill, laid back, funny, and sort of cute. He's friendly and AMAZING!!!! And the friday before this week, we got to talk!! and yesterday, he texted me because he found my bracelet!!! Yea, another girl in the ASL club had my number, but he text me and said he had my bracelet, not HER!! Yea, she's my friend, and it'd be cool if she texted me about it - then we can converse and totally be girly and talk about jewelry, but... Girls, you know why this is exciting. Then yesterday, I saw the guy from my philosophy group (actually it's 5 guys and me in our group, but only 1 guy is on a casual level with me, and others are just still classmates to me) and we chatted and he got to see me when I wore one of my cuter outfits that wasn't completely revealing like others' are nowadays.

Yea, these guys are all asian, and the guys who liked me but I rejected were all black, but that doesn't mean I prefer asian, and hate blacks. I just don't like pushy guys who make their move the first time I meet them. Oh, ok, so one guy was indian and he was just weird, not pushy. Kind of like Steve Urkle, but he wasn't genius or funny. He was plump, gross, and dirty minded. But the other two guys I rejected were black and had great moves, just at the wrong time. And the guys I do like? They were friendly and easy to talk to and are the closest guys I talk to.

I just want a guy who's funny, sweet, interesting  not gross, and smart. Is that too much to ask? Maybe. I mean, I don't have much to offer either. I'm sweet, smart(depends), and sarcastically funny and I'm interesting, I think. Actually this is one of my insecurities, but yeah right I let it get to me infront of people.

Alright, alright, I'm alllll good now. Thanks for listening! Hahaha I'm totally calm now, compared to how I was earlier.

whaaaat..?

Whaddup with McKeldin?

So I go biking across campus and try to take a short cut in front of the library, but turns out I can't cross there because they're checking the place out because an alarm went off. They got the entire 7 or 8 floors of mckeldin sitting outside waiting on them and Now, 2 hours after I first found out about therm, they're still closed. People be waiting on computer usage, homework doing, study grouping, printing, books and research, and I even heard one kid complaining he needed to get inside to get his backpack he left upstairs!

The hell?! Like, this is what happens after a bombing, in a city, not an alarm I never heard at the heart of the campus 2-3 weeks before school lets out!! Thank god I didn't have stuff to do there. Then as I walked back from dinner, I see this kid from one of the journalism or new report stuff on campus filming the scene!! Officers standing guard not letting people in, their cop car parked on the sidewalk around the corner, and people just wondering what the hell is goin on!!

Ok, Now I'm curious. I wish I were there to see this alarm, hear it, or be apart of it. And maryland day is coming up in 3 days, so we have tents all set up outside and everywhere too. Ohmygodddd this is just crazy!!! Well, atleast it's something new and it's exciting to have something goin' on rather than plain ol' nuthin.

Like really, I'm done with this TA. She all over the place and wastes everybody's time with meaningless thing because she likes to show off how much more she knows than us.

I don't think teachers understand how valuable time is for a student. Please don't ask me to wait for you to finish with other students and then tell me to try again in two days because you've got 30minutes left and can't answer 1 question for me. Yep, thank you for wasting 30minutes of my time. Will you do the physics homework I didn't have time to do? Or better yet, tell my TA that I didn't finish because you asked me to wait and then didn't even end up helping me.

Oh metro... oh guys... oh me...

So yesterday was fun. No. Not fun. AMAZING!!!!! Ha ha I got to talk with this cute guy in our group, he's got my number as of Wednesday  but yea, we're still just casual friends. Like not even "oh let's hang out whenever!" kind of friends but just "cool, we'll see each other in club next week. Or next. Or the next week." Grr. But yea, we chatted and YAY YAY YAY!! Plus I parked my bike out in the tornado. tied my helmet to it too. And I totally had time to move it because other people were late and I ended up waiting!!! Grrrrr. But anyway. I'm starting to see a pattern in guys I like, guys who like me, and - Oh. MY. GOSH! Have I got a story about guys liking me....

Just realized this, btw, after meeting this creeeepy guy yesterday!

Ok, well, not creepy, just weird. So here's a re-cap:

We were on a trip the 12 of us to a show in DC. We took a metro from school to get there, and we find a guy headed in our direction, though a little further. But the half of our group who found him were welcoming and was like "ok, sure hang with us, whatever." Yea, then he just hung with me. I did know him. I didn't want to talk to him. I wanted to be with my friends. But that didn't happen. Then I notice his hand on my knee when I was talking to my friend behind me.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

Hold up.

We met him for 5 minutes, and he's already movin' in? Uh uh. I was just like "Fuckkkkk why me? Kid, I ain't  know you like that. What is all this business " Actually, I thought of saying that, but in reality, I just shrugged off his arm and crossed my leg away from him. I immediately started staring out the window and replied with short answers. He still didn't get the hint. That idiot. Thank god I was saved by the bus. We were moving out and soo glad he was not coming. Yea, he was nice, but just, you know, you don't hit on someone you meet on the metro within the first 10 minutes. You just don't. Ugh, Plus it's so awkward trying to hint to a nice guy that you're seriously on different pages. Like I'm on page one of the first harry potter book and you're on page 395 in the 6th book.

This was n't so much creepy as it was awkward and just weird.

Shit, he goes to my school. Guess I'll look the other way if I see him. Teehee. Though we all know I'm too nice for that. I'll probably chat and rush off to the library or fake like I've got a class.

So this is the second guy who I felt absolutely NO attraction to and did not even THINK about us being together. Another guy, from last year, did the same thing!! the two of us also friendly chatted away our time and I was just thinking "Yay! I can be social!!" while the guy's probably like "Oh, cute girl. Maybe we can be together!"

No. NOT why I started talking to you. If I liked you, I'd be totally embarrassing and awkward and NOT as comfortable as I am right now. If I liked a guy, I'd laugh a little too hard, have trouble not smiling when I talk to you, and just... ugh. I don't even want to think about how I act around guys I like. They'd be totally chill and AMAZING and I'd be wigging out in my corner due to the fact we're still talking. Well, the first thing is, the guys I didn't like who liked me, they started to make their move WAYYY too soon. Like the first time I hung out with either of them, they started to get close. Guys I like? Yea, I WISHED (with alllllll my heart!) that they'd get a hint and make a move. Freakin' me, I would never DARE make a move first. Of all the embarrassment I'd put myself through? Then you expect me to make the fist move? And hope for the best? Yea. That's  gonna happen.

So tell me, like please tell me. Why? Why does this happen? I need friends who'll give these guys a hint for me. But Yep, I've seen the movies - wherre the wing man (or wing girl in this case) turns out to be the one the guy likes and fall for. Luckily that's never happened and I can't imagine what I'd do if that did happen. I'd be all over the place wacky and weird and even more embarrassing. No matter what I tell myself now, I KNOW I won't follow my own instructions later. Yep, so much for that!

Anyway, I need to sleep. I think I need to get up early tomorrow, so NIGHT!

Stressed. Embarassed. And totally Clueless.

So... crazy bike experience. skimmed the curb and nearly fell off my speeding bike (uh oh, THAT's not good) and my bike fell over in my hands while I was trying to turn around (SOOO embarrassing) and TOTALLY missed ramps and such around campus and had to turn around and go to a ramp I KNEW was there (stinkin' campus is really not bike friendly!). I had to walk my bike up and down, I totally cut in front of a guy with my bike (OOPS! REALLLLLY didn't mean it. awkward!!), and I rode around with a dress....

Yea, sooooooo amature as a campus biker. Or maybe I just have a really rachet bike?

Don't know. Plus I'm so. thouroughly. and completely. embarrassed of my ASL. A deaf guy was signing to me saying he'd help me with my signing speech, but I TOTALLY didn't even realize he was talking to me!!! I thought he was presenting, but - ugh. Oh. My. God. I. hate. Life.

Whatever. I'm past that and now, I need to worry about everything else. Like philosophy, physics, and 50380 other things!!!!

Nothing. At. All.

So guess what I saw? :)

1) People (like 3 ish) poised and aiming their camera in my car's direction. It's 9pm. It's dark and empty out. They're are huddled there with equipment set up. And as I pass I see their camera following my car!!! Creeps!!! But it IS college and people could be doing a project for any class. Nowadays, there's a class for everything, and all sorts of wacky odd and innovative projects or creative ways people complete projects, so that coulda just been a project they're working on. Or.... Or it coulda been people taking action shots, practicing action shots, practicing action night shots, who knows. They coulda been filming for some youtube thing, or just catching a clip for their own video. Or..... they coulda been stalkers looking for their next victim. And you'll know when I stop posting and I disappear from the face of the earth and there's a missing person's report.

2) a girl actually using those rounded exercise shoes!! Like, it's the same kind of idea as those Nike ankle trainers or something, but these were giant ovals, atleast 3 inches tall for the short part of the oval. the long part of the oval was the span of her foot. So this girl was walking around with her feet 3 inches off the ground, with empty oval/circle things under her looking like some futuristic something  Weird. As much as I want strong feet, I would NEVER want to train with that! I'd use those pulley things that stretch, or I'd run or do ANYTHING else that's NOT using those.... whatever they're called!!

Aside from that, I just hate myself alll over. On the plus side, I like my figure. My silhoutte is sexy as hell, but in a mirror in some light, I'm just average joe with a lumpy face. But the reason I hate myself is not my looks - I'm happy with that - no, I hate my habits!! I totally blew off 5 hours of homeworking this weekend, and I wasted 2 more hours today just facebooking, email-checking, TV watching, photo searching, game playing, and stressing over not running or being fit or being super smart or having time to read Harry potter. UGH!!!!!!!!! This isn't the hopeless kind of frustration, but just the  why-the-hell-would-you-do-that-?? frustration. Which I guess is better, but it makes me feel like a failure. I don't know.
I could have ADHD, I could have some reading/speaking/spelling/math-ing/brain retardation, but I may not. I may be anorexic or depressed or bipolar or any other disorder, but I'm just so slightly a part of each of these disorder that individually, I'm none of them. But together, I have something wrong.... I don't know. It's 12:52. I'm going to bed. Wow, I probably won't even get to do the 5 assignments I planned to do tomorrow that I put of tonight... So much for planning ahead!

Yippee yay yay!

Literally this has been the craziest and also the best week EER!! So this Guy in my philosophy group and I can casually converse and today he TOTALLY NOTICED BRACELETS I WORE!! Yea I've had them everyday, but hey, better than never. He said it in the beginning of the meeting and later at the end!!!! I'm bursting with excitement!! Plus I have clothes that completely work in hot weather!! I looked cute for three days !! I know, sounds so blond, so high school, and totally girls and stupid, but even of no one says it, everyone feels good when they always look good and get to talk with people they like :) then my chem TA, yea I know, he's cute, but I don't see us together. But he's still cute and I still get to spend time with him!! Then I saw him when I was walking to class later!! Outside of meetings and class!! Ok ok, I'm not goin to gush over potential I won't act on. But on another note...

I got a free helmet and a roommate for next year and stickers!!!!! Yay!! I get to bike around school and be cool and I'm running for treasurer for ASL club next year!!!

Whoo. Breath. Ok. Alsooo, I just finished a bio exam I think I did ok on and I'm starting to run again and eeeeeeee!! Totally wayyy too much happening and too much to keep track of. TONS of homework and tons to keep an eye on. Ugh. Plus today was a bit embarrassing. We had an exam and its silent and half way through, my stomach decides to growl. And I mean growwwwwll. It was the long loud and silencing growl that everyone is like "shit she's starving!" But I didn't run. I drank a glass of milk. I ate a banana. I was inns eat my lunch after class. But nope. My stomach decided to misbehave. Plus it ALWAYS does this. I'm not hungry. I have my foods and meals and all. but I'm skinny and my stomach growls and people think "anorexia alert!"

gguh... I don't have high metabolism bc if I did I'd have a proportionate stomach. But I'm not anorexic because I eat regularly I don't stress and suffer over eating the least and exercising more. I totally eat when I'm hungry and I don't stop til I'm full, which I usually quick. But then I get hungry a bit later and I eat again. Why WHY!!

Whatever, I still ha a great week and I'm Lovin life!

Rawrr

I am free of allergies.
I require no medication.
I have no physical and/or genetic disabilities
However,
I feel as if i seriously
SERIOUSLY have
ADHD.
OCD.
Asthma.
Bipolarity.
Dyslexia.

I can't pay attention in class at times,
no matter how much I want to or need to or try.
I remember the oddest things to stress about
throughout the day during the most inconvenient times.

I obsess over little things,
checking
double checking
even triple checking random things in my life.
Even when I know and I'm sure I've done everything.

I run.
I'm wheezing after 5 minutes.
I hike.
I pant after a few steps.
I walk up a hill to my parked car.
I'm out of breath after I cross a quarter of the hill.
Not even that steep.

I switch between moods per person
within minutes. Maybe seconds.
I can be extremely grumpy and depressing and stressed,
then be completely excited about something that happens.

I read.
I write.
Occasionally, I spell out of order.
I read a word as something else.
So I read and re-read a sentence to find my mistake.

I don't know.
I just don't know.

Well, I tried to be poetic, but it's not working. teehee :) But I got this down atleast! :)

Crazy yet enjoyable week for me

I’m soo on top of everything! LOVE that I have my ipod touch as an organizer. Calendar of my schedule and events, and a check list or "reminders" app to write up my to-do list. Then I've got the notes page to do my own personal writing of sorts. Then the rest of my ipod is dedicated to music and games. And it's only like 3 or 4 games I play. I have others just incase I get bored, but I really only use my ipod for music and writing. SOOO amazing!

Anyway I was driving home and singing in my car yesterday and I caught this lady watching me sing while in traffic. Obviously the first thing people do is pretend they didn't see or they turn away quickly so as not to see what the other person will do.. well that's what I do. This lady – she stayed and SMILED!! I mean, ok it's not bad, but just weird. She has a friendly smile so it wasn't creepy but I just... no. I wouldn't. First person I've seen do that.

Anddd I fucking saw a girl in my class eating an apple with two hands!!! -________- wtf??
The apple was just a normal sized apple and could easily fit in one hand, but she... idk, something wrong with her. Or she thought she could be all delicate and cute. She was thin and had running gear on. See I hate these girls who run and stay thin, but no -- ohhh no, it's not cuz they like it. It's cuz they think they're hot and can wear whatever and they run not because they like it but because they stay thin. They're FAKE!! UGHhhhh, I can't stand it. See, I run but I like. Sure, I'm not good at it, and yes, it’s cool that I get my exercise in and stay fit, but I run to feel good and just have my alone time. I'd dance if I didn't feel stupid doing it, and I'd totally do other stuff too, but I'm not good at it. I suck at quidditch but I still love it. I'm like a Ron. I have that potential, but I get intimidated. And I don't know how to fix it. I can't just ignore what I know about other players. I can't lie to myself--- don't know how anyone can lie to themselves.

Whatever. I need to get on my homework because it's just piling up. Come back from break with half a day to do a week's worth of homework. Then the weekend after I get down on the work and I finish what's due (sort of) but I still haven't fully studied and I didn't get a chance to get ahead like I need to. So the next weekend I want to lock my self up in my room to finish work, but lo and behold! I signed up and committed to Good neighbor day and now I have plans for half the weekend. Sure I could skip and not get hours, but I want to go because it sounds fun and girl, I get a free T-shirt. 'course I'm going. Ugh, atleast college exams aren't as crazy difficult as high school's. I literally started getting depressed over how little I knew and how unprepared I was when I heard about tests coming. Now, I'm studying ahead, doing this and that. I think cuz I have more free time and I feel good about being able to be mature and handle myself. But I'm not so sure about next year when I dorm and have complete freedom.... We'll see.

And also today, I took the bus to go to my class across campus.. HO hoo, was THAT a mistake. I could've walked across campus and gotten there in... ehh, enough time, but my leg still hurt from break and I wanted to take the bus.... little did I know, the bus went all the way off campus and turned around to go somewhere far far FAR away, then go to the little-beknownst areas of the college campus. So I rush to class looking at a bus map to find my way on feet. On my way, I saw a worker guy backing up a truck though somehow he didn't get his buddy's signal to stop. You know when you back up a big truck you have someone standing at the rear to tell you when to stop or something - well there was a guy at the back, the driver just wasn't listening. The guy at the back just waved to stop, like they always do. but the truck kept goin', so he walked out from behind and waved frantically. Then he resorted to yelling, then rushing to the driver!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL! Made. My. Day.

Well, that's my update for this week. Though you're probably right if you think This isn't it. Yea, there's more. it's just not coming up until I finish with my stuff.

Creeps

Last night was literally the creepiest thing I loved through!
I was studying up in my room all day and night and never heard or saw anything. Then I went to the bathroom, cleaned up and brushed my teeth and came back. Settled to bed and tucked myself in. As all quieted down I heard a moan/yawn/scream. It was elongated and even and quiet. Like a yawn, so I figured, ok someone in the house is obnoxiously loud. Then it came again. And again. Then it was louder and I heard another sound start up and overlap the first sound. This second was just like the first. The two voices yelled "ahhhhhh" and/or "wahhhhhhh" for a few seconds. Taking turns or just overlapping. Then quiet for like 5seconds. Then a yeowl, like a cat when it's kicked off a porch. The noises were right outside my second story room. Then they yeowled for a minute and at this point I was freakin out because I didn't know if they were stinkin kids left outside, cats meiwing for food and getting impatient, or crazy something else trying to get me. The worst is that I didn't know what it was. If I knew for sure what it was I'd probably be annoyed rather than freaked. I stood on my window sill searching for it out in the yard and garden beneath my window, but I saw nothing. Everything looked normal. No movement. Nothing. The voices sounded like they were right outside, an I knew because I frequently hear my parents in the driveway or in the garden beneath my window or neighbors across the street, so I knew around where the noise were. How close they were. I listened for 7minutes until I couldn't stand it. I went to get my mom to see if I was really hearing this or if I was going crazy. I even double checked to make sure it was there. I stood next to my door making sure it was still going on then I heard it and left. I mean, I didn't want to seem like the girl who cried monster. She came and heard it and said I could go with her and seriously, it was silent in her room!! My room bing next to the open yard is always noisy and hers was so peaceful!! Grr, it wiuldve been ok if it was constant and predictable and I knew what it was, but random yeowling and shrieking that I could neither see nor identify was just too much.

Then that night, I dreamt we were sort of backpacking but not really. We were carrying a ton of stuff with us and when we tested we unloaded everything on ton shelves and such. Then Wilson and mom needed to go somewhere or do something. I wanted to leave but could just leave the stuff out, so I proceeded to clean up. I piled in a ton of cans and food and containers in a bag then went to fill another bag with loosely folded clothes then I simultaneously packed little stuff into another bag. Then realized I could pack stuff into the first bag but I couldn't find it. I was jut going through motions and I never stopped and worked for over an hour and it was almost time for me to be somewhere. I hurried but did not rush being careful to have stuff fit into the bags. They're the reusable bags and I was holding one. The whole time I was just bustling back and forth, and near the end I realized I could've carried the bag over to the shelves or carried more stuff per trip, but I didn't. People were cleaning their stuff too, one or two were always around me doing their own thing, but they were working at a normal pace. The hallways was like this medium tan hall, like my elementary hallway. So weird. The time flew though! I wasn't slow or wasting time and was always busy. Bet you this was the most boring dream.

Undefined self

I just realized I have 5 different lives. One life is filled with books, another with romance, another with darkness, ghosts and depression, another with adventure, another with music, another with dance. I have sooo many different sides to me but nothing prominent. I played tuba in marching band, I was peer mediator, I played tennis, I play quidditch, went backpacking, traveled to europe and china, performed in drama club, played flute, wants to dance and sing and act, wants to learn chinese and ASL, knows some ASL, in addicted to TV shows with ghosts, romance, comedy, and/or adventure, in love with YA books like Across the universe, Harry potter, Christopher pike books, and crazy about arts and crafts. However, nothing every really defines me. My variety in life defines me. The fact that I'm in 500 different things and yet never ace through anything defines me. No super grades, no super sports no super talent, yet no failing anything either. I complain and woohoo with everyone about everything but it doesn't change the fact that it doesn't define me. Is this me searching for who I am? Or is this exactly who I am? Indecisive and floating between this and that and always loving and hating everything just enough to even it all out?

Appalachian

Crazy white shoes lady, sleeping in freezing weather and ingesting dirt and not washing hands for a week and hiking!!! Plus not being in civilization and not changing. Runny noses wiped on sweaty rain-damp clothes that have been rolled around in dirt. Climbing a mountain and going bathroom in the woods and frozen food and water and havin slushed when it's freezing out. Takin 3 hour lunch breaks and lounging when we have a snack break. Talk about lobsters and using the van's exhaust to warm us up, forgetting that that could kill. It was an adventure, an an experience, but being out there helped me realize there's more to life than just school and social statuses. I appreciate all modern luxuries and being able to write. I am more motivated to work out and less germaphobic. Love love love myself and life and everyone!!! Ok maybe not everyone, since there are till some annoying people and all. Too much to tell, and sooo much I've learned and discovered. I don't know what the point of this post was since half of it doesn't have grammar and nothing is elaborated and all, but I guess it's just me trying to get it all out of my system. Once I said I won't smoke becaus to couldn't even start the lighter, and a guy said awe don't let that stop you! Gret times, and these people were great and I love love LOVED it!!

Honked

Apparently there's something odd about walking in the dark on a local street with your hood down and your hands stuffed in the pockets of your hoodie. I was in a bright green st. Patty's day hoodie from my college. Now I was trying to be funny and try to act like some hoodlum wandering the streets, but one could also interpret my posture and stuff as a sign of me being cold and miserable walking home. I was neither and was just trying to plant ideas. However, I got honked by the car. Rude much? No matter who I am, why would you honk? I'm just a college kid finishing my run and cooling down,and walking in a particularly dark part of the neighborhood. Not robbing a house. Not myrdering children. Not a lonely outcast with no car. And if I were a miserable loner walking home, why make it worse by honking in my ear? Idiot.

Run 3 miles

skipped practice and felt super bad, so i decide to run. Turns out I finished 3 miles!! ran the furthest I've ever done in my neighborhood, though appareently in track we used to un 3 miles too. I was taking breaks, just like in track, but I felt beter and more accomplished today than I did in track. Maybe the change in scenery. Or maybe I've got more fitting clothes this time. Or maybe because Ididn't have track stars to run with and feel slow against. Or maybe...

Who knows. All I know is, I want to be doing this everyday, though I know I can't because I simply don't. Have. Time. Want to watch Grimm, Switched at birth, Once upon a time, Walking dead, New girl, and romance movies, yet I want to squish in 4 years of schooling into 3 with starting my stuff a semester late. I want to hike and do this and that play quidditch and EVERYTHING!!! But. I. Can't.
Also want to finished the last two Harry potter books and Across the universe. But guess what? I____

Wish I were like those super multitaskers who just join things and ace them or try out something totally crazy and succeed. Me? I do regular stuff, a bit above average, and just get by. Well, I succeed, but I fail on an Asian level that I should be at. I'm asian, I have asian friends, and half the school is asian, but me? oh god, I'm just 100% american on the inside.

hike?

Hmmm, I don't know if I should. 8-12 miles a day, from 6am - 10pm carrying 30lbs of equipment for 5 days.... yes? no? I don't know? They say we need to be physically in good condition, but what does that mean? My chest - sternum? - idk the middle of my rib cage at the front of my chest, it hurts when I run too fast or work out too much or something, and idk if that's just me or if that's an issue. I play quidditch, but we get breaks, and we play for 30min tops at a time. I want to challenge myself, but I don't want to be the one holding everyone back. I heard 2 miles an hour is good, but ehh WHYYY! Wish I had friends who will hike for a week. But no one I know is fit enough... and the ones who are, I'm not buddy-buddy with. Great dilema, huh?

 

Game...

I finally understand what people mean when they say they feel like a winner even though they thoroughly lost everygame. Yesterday, I was on this newbie quidditch team and I knew I wasn't good and I was completely nervous I'd let everyone down because I was horrible, but it wasn't bad at all. Yea, there are a few things I should've worked on, and I probably should've practiced more or gotten more in shape. However, we were all friends, and we didn't expect to win even if we had hoped to. We played others, lost. Butttt I did so much better than I usually do in quidditch that it really didn't matter. I learned more strategies in playing and watching and actually following the game. Maybe the most influencial thing was that I was able to goal ref first and I was forced to follow the game and HAD to do stuff on my own and make own decisions. Anyway, I WAS PROUD OF OUR TEAM AND HOW WE PLAYED!! But afterwards, my clothes were dirty and I was super tired and IDK what was wrong. I felt sick like I should have a fever, but I didn't. I just wanted to cuddle up and sleep forever, yet I wanted to be doing stuff, like watch a movie or something. Oh well, great day. And now, school....

I haven't even thought about school all day! I was super stressed the day before, looking at the intense schedule of my summer, then at what I should do this week, assignments to finish, and exams to study for, but now, monday, I don't feel any anxiety about schools! YAY! Well, I do know I haveee to finish some things but I don't FEEL like it's important. You ever feel like that? You KNOWW something is important and you should totally do it, but you feel totally calm and relaxed and like everything will just work out?

Odd, but ok

hmm, so now I've taken to using "ass hat" "ass wipe" and "what the shit." Totally plausible right? IDK, I like it. Not that I say it outloud to people, since I'm just. that. nice.

My one "up" after a week of "downs"

so EXCITING!!! Mircobio exam was interesting, fun but hard. Physics was, for once, not worse than I expected!!! And I'm more involved with quidditch this semester! Plus I just discovered this carpool thing where I can charge for giving rides!! cool! Ok, so I didn't really expect to get money for this, but $4 seemed like a ton more than it's woth. I wanted people to be attracted to a reasonable price, so $3. Not too bad, right? pays for gas, and I mean, I normally drive the same route for free so technically, ANY amount would do for me.

But I ALREADY GOT A PASSENGER!! I GET (technically) A JOB NOW!!!! WOOOO!

And last week, I got to volunteer to be chem team captain, and I get to be responsible for people in my group! Ha HA! Well, the work isn't fun, but i do what i can, and it's kind of fun to do stuff for people! Yep, I'm a nerd. Totally and completely. Plus I ran this morning and excersised and all, so maybe that's why I'm in a good mood. And my hair looks good for once and I've got a perfect outfit with perfect weather and it's just AHHHH MAZING!

Plus I finished another ferrero rocher piece and I got ahead on posting pictures and stuff for my other blog plus I.... I don't know, I'm just out of the dumps today. Started last night after physics and been in a good mood every since. Probably cuz I didn't waste time with movies and shit, and also I didn;t get behind. Or maybe it's cuz I watched Luanlegacy and he was just that good :)

Great way to end the week!! Love love love life!

Coming of Age

This is what the coming of age time is like isn't it? You don't know who you are anymore and you're confused about the future and what will happen and all you do is question life, people, life, friends and family, life and society. You want everything yet reality is dawning on you and you realize you can't have everything. In fact you're so far from having everything you don't even have 10 things that you CAN have or do. Soon, you realize your options are closing in too fast and those who don't know how to quit while ahead, fall behind and never get a life. those who can't develop anxiety and OCD and 50 other disorders like anorexia and such just to keep their option open. Yet little do we know this inevitably destroys us and we learn too late that we should've done something and the other path was better. And we live our life in regret and despair until we eat ourselves up from the inside out. Our mind caves in and we overstay our welcome on earth and we disintegrate into ashes. Is this what coming of age is? When we are so conflicted between who we are and who we should be and who we want to be, and are confused about why we are even here to begin with and where we should end up, and we lose our trust on all, including ourselves? Because if so, I hate it. I hate growing up. I wish I were oblivious to everything in my life and blissful like a kid. Ok, not like brave new world or across the universe, but just wish I didn't psycho analyze myself and I didn't know what's good or bad just that I keep doing it. Better to be able to think "one foot at a time" than to know "you're tired because of the lactic acid building in your veins and muscles and your body is running out of ATP and molecules used for ATP."

Exam week

Shit am I just not good with stats and conceptual topics? Why am I so slow with math and reading? Stats AP-I was last one done and I needed more time. Stats college class- I ran out of time. When sharing and reading together, I'm always the last person to finish reading-and not even just by seconds!! It's by minutes! Or I skim and I don't know but I technically read it. Ugh why WHY! Why me?? Hate my brain. Hate my slowness and simple minded self. I can analyze sure just just averagely. I need to escape into my own little world or music tv stories and pictures. And throw some art and rafts in and I'm good to go. Shit, you know what this sounds like? A 10year old!! Ok maybe lets say I like sports and adventuring and stuff but I'm not athletic enough. I'm not exactly the one with the brightest ideas. I can't hear evrything everyone says something's, and so that hinders my social life too. I have no confidence in myself and what I do because rod the afore mentioned "disabilities." I'm not diagnosed and I don't think I should be since I'm functikning pretty normally. Just slow enough to be at the bottoms of the food chain, fast enough not to officially need help. WHY ME?!?!?

Stinking exams.. They always get me up in a knot, acting like I'm less than nothing.

No no no no tooooo slow NO!

Shit am I just not good with stats and conceptual topics? Why am I so slow with math and reading? Stats AP-I was last one done and I needed more time. Stats college class- I ran out of time. When sharing and reading together, I'm always the last person to finish reading-and not even just by seconds!! It's by minutes! Or I skim and I don't know but I technically read it. Ugh why WHY! Why me?? Hate my brain. Hate my slowness and simple minded self. I can analyze sure just just averagely. I need to escape into my own little world or music tv stories and pictures. And throw some art and rafts in and I'm good to go. Shit, you know what this sounds like? A 10year old!! Ok maybe lets say I like sports and adventuring and stuff but I'm not athletic enough. I'm not exactly the one with the brightest ideas. I can't hear evrything everyone says something's, and so that hinders my social life too. I have no confidence in myself and what I do because rod the afore mentioned "disabilities." I'm not diagnosed and I don't think I should be since I'm functioning pretty normally. Just slow enough to be at the bottoms of the food chain, fast enough not to officially need help. WHY ME?!?!?

tsk tsk

Why say repells wind and rain? I'm pretty sure If it repels rain, it repels wind, insects, and debris. Unless its faulty and had leaks and such. Or it's loos like a tent, then there's no guarantee and I'd be asking why the hell did you buy something that repels ONLY rain. And steady rain at that since most rains are usually accompanied by gusts of wind...

also....

Ever notice how a class sounds from the outside? It makes students sound like robots. Most of it is due to the anonymous factor, where you don't know who is speaking and what the topic is. Either way, just listening in, you can't tell when it's a student speaking and when it's the teacher. The thing is, it turns into one of those satiristics cartoons, where you hear the voices you see general shapes and faces since you don't know the real life person , and stuff like that. Then you hear " it says she's passionless and this and that... So this means... " this makes it sound like its a " right answer Or we Americans are just like those scientists who poke and probe at specimens and observe results and the teacher is like the head scientist controlling these rats heartlessly. I walked past a history class and the teacher spoke about how this person is horrible or "the USA is so arrogant and..." Listening in on them, you could confirm how arrogant we are in our education. We silently take the teacher's word for it that this is what happened, why it happened, how it happened, and though they don't specify who's right or wrong, the curriculum is shaped so that anyone can see who's right and we think we're using our own analysis and thinking, but we're , mindlessly absorbing all the "right info" to ace the test.

 

our world is soo weird! we're strange and I don't understand out way of life!

First, I wanted law school because I like to criticize, but then I found out I'm not good with confrontational arguing. Then I wanted arts and all but that died because I knew I wouldn't make enough money for the kind of lifestyle I wanted. Then throughout my 1st year of college, I had multiple interests and change in plans. I wanted bioengineering for the challenge, then found it's more math than science, then i wanted pharmacy for flexibility but there are tonnnns of classes to take, then I wanted to be a surgeon b/c it sounded cool but heard it was superrr hard.

What am I to do? UGH!! I WANT to major in EVERYTHING!!! I want to do a little bit of EVERY THING! I CAN'T DECIDE!!!

Such a let down

I planned to run, finish reading my book for class, do some homework, go to a fair with my friend, and then at the fair I had a few things I planned to do once I knew about them, but I missed it. I missed it all.

Tried reading, but it was too cold so I snuggled in my bed. The book was a theory book on quantum physics and my bed was so comfy and the book was so boring, so I slept away my reading and running time. I dressed for quidditch, wearing navy top and bottoms, and I had no fashion today just so I could get dirty at practice, but I missed it because I was waiting in a line at the fair. Then at the fair I was planning to go with my friend, but she was busy and I was going to be busy later. So I went around myself, found other friends, but we went too late and the turtle stress balls were gone and the free coffee mug was gone and no one had anymore bags to give out. The airbrush t-shirt was pretty, but I rushed my"customising" so that I ended up wanting my shirt to say something else. The fre was packed by the time I got there at 4pm (when it started) and I was last in line. I left that 2 hr line to wait for my t-shirt, but that took forever.build-a-bear and the line was short after only 1 hour. I waited but turns out they only have the ugly bears to give out. And by then, I was hoping I could make up some time and rush to my car, move it closer for later, and finish some homework, but it just didn't happen. I wanted to see this other friend that I hadn't seen in a week, but I didn't get to. I wanted to get ahead in class, but I didn't have time.

Today. Was. Such. A. Let. Down.

Dressed ugly. Didn't get to run or practice. Didn't get the stuff I wanted at the fair. Didn't do the work I wanted to finish. Didn't do anything that I wanted. I feel like I need to hit something, but what? I hit a person, I'll feel bad. I hit a wall, I'll die. I hit my car, well...no one wants that. I hit my pillow, it's not resistant enough. I want to run and let out the energy build-up in my arms and legs, but how?! I used to go down to my yard and stab a knife into the soil, but last time I did that I bent the knife because there was a rock in there....

I want to stress eat. I want to watch a movie and drown out my own life. I want to write away my frustration. I hate wasting time. I hate not being independent and on top of things. I hate being such a bum. But then again, that may just be how I see myself. Others may envy me for all I know, but as far as I can tell, that's not happening. I'm awkward, I don't think quite rationally sometimes, I am just a bit above average academically, I am just a bit above average physically (as in staying fit), and I can never finish anything or focus on only one thing. I know there are worse things, but I just... I don't know... I need to fix me before I fix others. Some kid may very well be starving to death, but I'm driving myself crazy and as long as I'm bipolar and confused about life, no one will be getting anything from me.

is it right for me to complain about how professors teach? ok, so I know they're collegiate and we're expected to know that level of speech. but, hey - these professors are no longer speaking english. They're speaking professor. in a lower level course for genEd stuff, they are speaking as if we give a damn what they're talking about!!! we just want to graduate! Yes i know that means we need to be well rounded, but that doesn't mean we need to waste brain storage area for humanities stuff! we just need the general idea!

Me thinking outloud...

I'm not sure anymore... I do want to be more social, and I am inside, but I need some confidence booster. I need some way to forget my self-conciousness. I overthink everything, or I completely blank out and have nothing to say and then I say stuff that sounds dumb. Thing is, I don't trust myself. If you lived inside my head for ehh, I guess like a week? Yea, you'd have your doubts too.

F****** hate how lazy I am sometimes and that I'm not as smart as my friends. They all have 4.00 GPAs in college and are following super intense majors with hard classes and I'm just idling back, teetering between every major and still just taking intro courses for some courses.

Anyway, yesterday was weird. I know we're competitive in quidditch, but outof nowhere everyone was yelling. And not juist "goddamn, you suck" but like "Fuck, STOP!" apparently someone got mad at this other kid and they were nearly in a fight. This uper nice guy on the team ran up to try and stop the raging player, and well, he's fundamentally a good person so I didn't think he'd do anything, but he was in a dilemna with himself, storming on and off the field trying to decide whether to hit the other kid. We ran laps, I died, and I got benched again. I seriously feel like I'm the Ron weasley of the team, and I'm only a beater. But ok.

Is this my coming of age time? Is this what it's like to live like those people in the coming of age books? Because the books make it so dramatic, but readers can always see the easy answer staring you in the face. Where's my easy way out? I have none! I need a life. Like now.

No, I have a life, I'm just not doing anything with it! It's so much easier giving advice than following advice. This is why people hate therapists and psychologists. They've got answers, advice, and stuff, but if they were in that position, with those complicated relationships and awkward situations with out line of thought running through their heads, they wouldn't be worth that $50 an hour. They'd be in the same position as the rest of us.

this weekend

People are soooo completely ignorant and over the top sometimes! You don't know friends and people until you've seen them party or seen them bored. I spent the weekend with some friends, but apparently staying home with friends doing origami and watching movies means "no life."

So this weekend, there was a dance hosted by the quidditch team. Sure, yea, I'm on the team, but it's not like I'm buddy buddy with all of them. I saw them 2 times a week for 3 week last semester, and I only saw them once this semester so far. So at the dance I tried to dance and you know, hopefully get my friends to not feel awkward and go with it. Yea, there weren't as many people at the dance as I'd thought, and some of the music wasn't quite as Dance-able as you'd expect at a dance, but hey, you got dressed and paid to go there, you might as well have fun right? But one friend, I won't name, totally hated it. She started off ok, "oh I can't dance to this, oh this is not a dance song..." and ok, yea I see. Then she complained about the people dancing and how weird they look and I don't know. Grinding I can understand making fun of but people goofing off? UGH!! I hated her for the night for not even trying to have fun. I was super excited and was expecting you know, a dance is what you make of it, so we could make it enjoyable. But nope. She outright hated it. Then, going back to the team and all, lol, I said hi and all that to a few people, but then since they weren't doing anything, they basically pressured me out to sociallize. Sure I'll socialize with the team, but not when put on the spot like that. Plus don't people usually go up to friends with with their own friends so they can introduce each other and have fun together? I was open to that, but They didn't seem too interested... idk, we left after about 30 minutes of a 4 hour dance. Just wasn't fun when my supposed friend criticized everything about the dance. I didn't know what to do, I usually trail along or something. Ugh, maybe I seem more social than I really am, because I am really awkward if you knew how and what I were thinking.

Then we went searching for some club to go to or some college party to join, and at first I was excited about it. I went to a club once, and everyone was sober and laughing and totally having fun. I didn't know what a college party was like, maybe like that club so I said yes, lets go to one. We went and it was a little apartment with 2 some people all looking like they were freidns and drunk or drinking. So maybe the club I went to was with ASL interpreters and they were too educated and mature to get crazy drunk. Maybe I only saw the studious side of my friends and didn't know they wanted to get drunk too. As we got ready for the party, everyone was saying they were ready to get drunk. Everyone was dressing sexy and I was just saying I wanted to look hot but casual. Maybe a graphic Tee and jeans. Nope. I was wearing my party friend's high waited short-is skirt and a thin top. And the previous night we  were making origami decor and I thought I was fun and all, but I guess I'm still in the naiive little girl stage in life, where I'm happy with just a sleepover, movies, crafts with friends. sharing pictures and all. Wish I had geeky friends like on the quidditch team, but not way overly competitive and atheletic like them. I don't really fit in with them because I guess I'm too girly for contact sports, too atheletic for my studious friends, too reserved for my party friends and too self concious about other stuff for my class friends.

I try. I really do. I try to be outgoing. I try to match my ideal personality. I'm totally crazy and loud and opinionated and fun in my head and online. but with real people and all, I don't know how to be myself out there. I try, but then every now an then people are making me rethink myself. Don't want to be that kid who is super annoying and can't get a hint, but don't want to be that kid who'd super selfconcious(which is what I am now). Great. Drama. Personal. Emotional. Social. Drama.

(I usually think along lines of "do it yourself," but the normal thing is "get help and go from there." I assume you don't need to use names and all and just need to care for everyone, but everyone is saying "YOU NEED TO USE NAMES!! You need to thank people, but I assume some situations you would know who helped who out and you don't need thank yous and it's implied, but apparently not. Don't they say something like the hardest thing to say is "Help me" and "Thank you"?

Idk, I feel better after hanging out with them the day after, going to lunch and just chilling out. But the oast two nights, friday and saturday night --> WORSE TIME WITH FRIENDS!

COLLEGE POLICIES STINK!!!

Don’t you just hate when nothing works out perfectly or when you have wayyyy to many options you just don't know where to start or how to start or what to decide on? Well, in college, indecisiveness and having TOOOOO man y opportunities can overwhelm you. Yes, I should be grateful of having opportunities to begin with. But here’s the dilemma
 
Physics. I am in the basic level of real physics, but with a background of AP physics, I feel I should be in higher level, right? But which higher course? There's one just one level above mine, but that's not available until next semester. There's a super higher level which is calc based but just snuggly fits into my schedule. Should I overwhelm my schedule with 15 minute sprints between classes? It's physically possible, but I'd have a tight schedule, that's all. Then since it's a harder physics..... well, go figure, I might fail my GPA. The physics I'm in now, the teacher talks too slow and I can't pay attention. However it seems like an easy GPA pass. I got a 2 on my AP exam, but I still feel I know more than this class expects us to. If I want to change it, I have until next Tuesday to change it. Which means, I have until then to contact my unknown advisor whom I have yet to meet, contact my professor whom I dislike how he babies us through life and class, and contact the physics department to see what courses they'd allow me to go in or to get their recommendation for my level. This isn't so bad if.....
 
I don't know what course I'd take instead. I could take some bio course or a stats course, but I haven't looked at those. I have the minimum full time student credits of 15, and I really don't want less because last semester I already had 14 credits and I want to average out to 15 over my 4 years so I can graduate. Also, if I go into a harder physics, would it be smart? Like could I get a good GPA? I already a low 3.26 ish, which is a big drop from my high school 3.67. My friends all have 4.00 or close to it. Couldn't get worse right? This is already way too much academic drama for one freshman.
 
(you're probably thinking, "oh freshie, you've got 3 years to go and blah blah blah" but I NEEED to finish X amount of credits and courses by then and I DO NOT want to spend more time or money on stuff I don't need.)
 
I also have another course which is gen chem. Ok, so I need this for orgo, but wait - I ALREADY TOOK AND PASSED CHEM!! Given I passed the engineers' chemistry, and I only got C.... but I PASSED! I have the credit technically. So why am I taking gen chem? Well, they need it for the lab portion. I need to pass a chem lab to go on to orgo, but the course description says I must take the class with the lab. 3 months ago, I emailed the chem department to see what I need to do. No reply. Advisor? Didn’t have one who knew enough about it. So I signed up for it, naturally. But WAIT! Today my friend told me she knew someone who was only taking the lab. By itself. Without the course.
 
0.o
 
Ok, so the dilema here is - do I need the information in gen chem or is it the same as engineering gen chem? And do I want to go and boost my GPA because it's a review now, or will I suck at chem and bomb this and have a C and a B for chem on my transcript? Or should I drop the course, go to class, and get the review without stressing over grades? But this way, what if I DO end up being better with chem? THIS is why i need a know-all-be-all advisor, and THIS is how the university screws over freshmen. No wonder we have freshmen 15 - we eat away our frustration with the college.
Speaking of frustration with college, they are SOOOOOOOO strict with parking!! Sure I made a mistake OOPS! I didn't see their sign or I wasn't aware of what lot is for who. But shouldn't I have one warning before being ticketed? I don't care if I have the warning on my permanent record - as long as it's not a full fledged ticket! And once I was literally realizing my mistake 10 minutes after parking somewhere, I got in my car as the ticket truck "cashed-in" my license plate for a mail-in ticket.
 
What the hell, right?
 
I swear college is expensive. But they try to weasel more money out of you by screwing over everyone like they don't give a shit. Then they have this formal cliché welcome on their letters, around campus, online, offline, in public. This is an outrage!

NOVA scienceNOW: Diamond Factory on Hulu. ( http://www.hulu.com/watch/263514 )
"Conducts heat 5x faster than copper" -- well remind me not to wear diamonds out in the desert or in the arctic.

"mined diamonds are all different. like snowflakes, no two are alike." -- I have seen two like snowflakes, 3 times. Yesterday.

Anthrax.... bet you this is how we'd gotten the idea for Resident evil and government made zombie apocalypse.

Those were comments I had throughout the thing, and now, I'm done, so here I am with my weekly update... i still dislike certain aspects of college. for one, their information and resources are scattered over 500 sites and links and ntohing's convenient.

So I'm not sure about you, but I don't like wasting money. I bought a brand new textbook package for physics. It has an ebook and all that. But out physics teacher refuses to use ebooks and wants to go traditionally. And he also talks super slow and he's planning to give us only 4-5 problems a week and I'm not complaining, but I 'm just worried I won't learn. I know I should try and it'sup to me, but there's a reason we have teachers   they are to guide our study. If my teacher is NOT guiding me and I'm doing all the guiding, sure i may pass, but will i be expert? I know I've forgotten all stuff I've learned in other classes even just 2 months ago, so how is this gonna be any different?

Same's true for microbio, but it's not as bad because they have practice on the website atleast.

not quite sure what to make of my philosophy course and i keep confusing my genchem course with my microbio course, so that'll be fun. Still not sure who my advisor is, yet Iwant an advisor to talk to about my chem class.. whatever, I'm starting to see the down side of college. and that's not even talking about the work here too. The upside is friends and independence to do whatever.

Harry potter rant

why waste efforts into making a high quality visual effects in the Harry potter films when you skip on half the scenes and magicalness and effects people want to see? Why waste all this on making a movie with half the effects we expected, and just barely enough information to make sense without the book?

I wanted to see Peeves, Nick's death-day party, Hagrid being attacked during OWLs, Harry yelling at Dumbledore,ron,hermoine, Mrs.Black, St. Mungos, Mr. Weasley's office, and I'm sure many more things to come if I watch the 6th and 7th movies after reading the book. Plus Voldemort doesn't have red eyes like the book and frankly, I feel they could have casted another person as Harry, because Daniel R is just awkward and his face doesn't change much to depict the emotions in the book. Soooo many problems with the movie - soooo wish a catastrophe like this doesn't ever happen with any of my fave books, and hope people learn from this. Great special effects, but that's all it is.

Anyway, just glad I got to watch it with friends and had a nice long chat about life and discussion on how new jersey won't let you fill your own gas.

Lost car found! hahahha

Someone in the teacher's parking lot lost their keys.

So a bunch of us were walkin' and talkin' then we found keys. We were like COOL! then I got the crazy idea and joked that we could beep it around campu to find the car. I mean, it's winter term now, and half the school is away, so there aren't too many cars this could belong to. Then we beep it and it's the car right behind us -- the car the keys were right in front of! It was a light blue, almost silver sedan isn car. it was those small cars, but it was newer looking with fresh nice decent headlights. The car itself wasn't dirty, which mine has become after the one year it's been around, and the insides were relatively clean and had no junk lying around, which mine recently developed since my entrance to college life. Luckily we had a class and we were decent people and we didn't steal the car or do anything. We didn't turn in the keys either -- mostly because we forgot by the time we got up to class, which started in an hour. So?

Well, that's one way to lose a car, and the theft could park anywhere and not care about tickets since it's not our car. Hilarious and such a big opportunity! unti lsomeone finds it and lists it as stolen. well, it would've been a funny prank.

Now..

finished HARYY POTTER 5!!!!! ugh, i am sooo lost with these characters - their names what they're supposed to look like their past, how harry knows them and what they do in relation to people and stuff. Anyway, as much as i hate the movies for mixing things up and confusing me even more about this and that, I want to see the visual and to see how much I read into it and how others did and how people act this stuff out and.. well i'm a TV junkie, so can't really blame me. I also want sooo many other books to be "movie-tized" and they probably will but I want people to learn from this harry potter thing that DIRECTORS AND ACTORS NEED TO READ THE BOOK BEFORE FILMING!!!!!!

Also.... found out I know two smokers though they're not friends but they seem nice enough. But that's not what I want to talk about today. Found out I am a horrible HORRIBLE audio learner. When someone speaks for over 2 minutes straight, I lose focus on what's happening and my mind wanders. This is in lectures, in conversation, even when I watch a movie and two people are conversing - it becomes a jumble sometimes...I NEED WRITING! I NEED VISUAL!!! Someone told me about "once removed" and "first cousins" and I didn't know, but just accepted that I don't know any. And my mom told me about "adopt a road" stuff and I didn't remember even the next day. Then I just searched hem up and I 100% understand and can remember this stuff. Ugh, whatever.

Also I recognized That I don't "mentally see" as well and I think I should. Actually, I don't know. I yahoo answered about this and no one gave a good answer. So apparently I don't see in detail or remember in deatil and when reading I visualize people as real people, but they act cartoony and I visualize their faces streetching or scrunching up or they jumping around like cartoons do and not as real people do. and with memories, I know when I see stuff it's in detail and even in my dreams it's in detail, but it's only for that present time. then when I mentally remember it or try to "see" stuff it's a blur, sort of like a sketch of what happened but not in the sense that it's like pencil paper. Isn't that weird? But I know when I see it I 'll know it but bymyself, I can't "see" it in detail.

And now i'm rambling so that's all for this week.

MAGIC!!! Reading So you want to be a wizard, Harry potter, watching secret circle, H2O, Once upon a time, and random stuff along the way :)

Everyone shares Atheist views

Who says atheists don’t believe in anything? Who says you have to be of some religion or no religion? None of it is really there. However, I know every single person believes in something or else they are dead. Ever had a role model? Someone you look up to? Something you worshipped? Maybe it was a celebrity, a family member, someone in school, an item like food, or if you really wanted to, you looked to your iphone or a physical object for faith. Isn’t that all religion is? Having something to have with you in your heart and in your mind to always be with you so you’re never alone in life?  Having someone to look up to, to follow, to help in deciding what to do in a tragedy or a dilemma? Knowing someone is with you through thick and thin, something reliable? Maybe you believe in science, nature, and the elements. Religion and the things we worship are sources of comfort we seek in life. It’s something we can confide our secrets to who won’t judge. Isn’t that why we love our god? He doesn’t judge or if he does, he forgives if you learn. Same with other religions. Some without this kind of confidante keeps a diary – or maybe they keep a diary anyway just because they can. It’s just a matter of which one of these religious forms we encounter first or has the biggest impression upon us.  None are better than any other, and none are any less reliable. Without something to believe in, we get lost in life, losing ourselves, losing our way and losing ambition and life worth, spiraling down a dark abyss of depression that’ll lead us to believe in an after life, our last hope of anything worth our being on this planet.

 

However, it is only with our complex minds and human intelligence that we even need to believe in anything at all. Others like bears, lions, whales, plants, bugs – not one of them believe and not one of them will kill themselves and are perfectly happy if not in pain.

This week...and last

I'm not sure if this is good or bad or both or nobody could care less, but hey, what the heck.

Recently I've been having crazy dreams, like slasher ghost creeper adventure type dreams, and yea, it's weird, it's disturbing to know that, but I don't mind. I mean I've had these "horror movie" dreams before, but never like 3 a week or anything. I love these dreams cuz, you know, I get to live and do stuff as opposed to dreams where I just mull over info or it's an alternate reality of what will or has happened. it's like if you wanted to live in a movie, would you want to be in an adventure/action/horror-ish movie, or would you want to be in those drama/mid-life-crisis/curiously-weird-situation-ish movies? Well, I for one, would love to test myself to see what I would do in those horror film situations, whereas drama stuff, you have time to think it over and you can always "live" it by hearing stories and giving advice...sort of. Disturbing that I'm having frequent horror dreams?
(some call it a nightmare, but I don't because it's thrilling and i welcome them with open arms.) Yea. Makes you wonder what I might do.

Going along with that, I also did do one semester of researching suicide for English 101, and I'm currently researching suicide for a policy speech in winter term, and I'm intrigued by how easy it is to hurt people, but I don't because I'm more worried about how my social life will go down afterwards... Yep, totally still in that teenagery stage and falling into that "self-centered" stereotype, but you can't deny that isn't true for most of you, right?

And on an off note, I found out my comm teacher used to smoke and we're talking about legalizing marijuana and there's more cursing in this course than in the other 5 I've been in, but then again, this is a TA rather than a professor, but yet again, 3 of my other courses were taught by grad students....whatever.

Half way through Harry potter and LOVING IT! Haven't seen this movie (the 5th one) but I REALLLLY hope it doesn't cut out good scenes. Ugh, I really want to reread the whole series, mark down each event each fact and each creature I want the remake of this series to include so there can be a film of Harry Potter that's EVERY BIT as appealing and magical and amazingly out-of-this-world as the book, but I guess If they make the movie suck, then JK Rowling can have a better book sale or more audiences/fans, right? I've been going OCD about this and obsessing about logging everything from not just this book, but from Across the universe by Beth Revis and So you want to be a Wizard series, so when those become movies the first version will be perfect, but hey, I'm not in film, directing, or know anyone serious about such a big project.

I just wish that when people make a movie out of a book, they are actually fans of the book, they READ the book and they met with the author to get a general idea of what people look like, what should be included, and is a visual book basically. I mean, what other purpose is there to make a movie based on a book? If you're going to make your own idea and that's inspired by a book, say "inspired by" and not "based on"

And another thing, I've been giving blood frequently EXPRESSLY for the rewards program...now that it's going BYE BYE, what have I got to donate for? I need to eat special to get my iron up, I need to eat heathy and drink water and watch my diet basically before and after I donate, and I found out The O+ blood type is common, so how much am I REALLLY helping? I mean, yea, I do feel good about donating, I do like that it forces me to be healthy, but no one I know donates regularly and my parents are harping on it and I have to go out of my way, and if it were high school and not college, yes, it'd be perfectly fine but now....it's not really worth it. I'd donated 4...3...ish times, I think I've done my part, right?

So here's an update...yea, not much happening. Just realized how RUSHED winter term is... I underestimated the workload, but if it exists, it should be possible. Plus this TAs been teaching for a few years, so it can't be THAT bad and impossible, right?