My 1st something

So I've already had a first guy to try and kiss me. But I didn't like him. I've had my first guy to publicly express his crush on me. He was annoying and couldn't take hints. Like Steve urkle. And I've had my first guy to touch me and hit on me not so subtly. That was just weird and creeped me out. Today? I had my first guy to ask for my number. Yea, it was exciting that he asked and all, but I didn't really think much of him. We had a group project. We talk in class. But I never thought of him as liking me, much less me liking him. In fact, I definitely remember I always tried to stay away from him because the first time we met as a group, he went out to smoke. Plus he's loud and not that handsome or cute and a Phil major who knows no science and he's a bit flabby. Trust me. He doesnt do cute little things, he doesn't seem charming and he doesn't woo. I need the woo. I yearn for the woo. So yea, every night I dream and wish and dream of a guy, any guy to hold me and cuddle and chat with and be with, but that doesn't mean I literally want just any guy. Ugh, all the wrong guys like me, and all the guys I like don't do anything to say they're interested. Why?? This guy is nice but I think it's just common place polite or friendly behaviour, not flirting behavior. He smokes and he's not all that interesting to talk to. How?? How do you tell these guys you don't like them? What more of a hint do they need? I think if I'm not making an effort to talk to you an in fact, I'm making an effort to stop talking to you or I look the other way or I just... Ugh!! Then yea, get the hint-- I'm not interested!!

On the other hand, I could be totally conceited and he just wants a friend, and he has no friends because his smoking drove them all away.

But then again, he asked for my number at the end of the semester!!! Right be fore summer break!!!!


Ugh. Just... Ugh. I'd rather go back to writing about murder dreams and horror/thriller dreams playing out in my head. Or ghost dreams of magic and mystery and enchanted lands and guys I like talking to me and hugging me or me having an actual social life outside of my, what, three friends?? Yea, maybe that's why all the guys I like don't like me. I try too hard.