Coming of Age

This is what the coming of age time is like isn't it? You don't know who you are anymore and you're confused about the future and what will happen and all you do is question life, people, life, friends and family, life and society. You want everything yet reality is dawning on you and you realize you can't have everything. In fact you're so far from having everything you don't even have 10 things that you CAN have or do. Soon, you realize your options are closing in too fast and those who don't know how to quit while ahead, fall behind and never get a life. those who can't develop anxiety and OCD and 50 other disorders like anorexia and such just to keep their option open. Yet little do we know this inevitably destroys us and we learn too late that we should've done something and the other path was better. And we live our life in regret and despair until we eat ourselves up from the inside out. Our mind caves in and we overstay our welcome on earth and we disintegrate into ashes. Is this what coming of age is? When we are so conflicted between who we are and who we should be and who we want to be, and are confused about why we are even here to begin with and where we should end up, and we lose our trust on all, including ourselves? Because if so, I hate it. I hate growing up. I wish I were oblivious to everything in my life and blissful like a kid. Ok, not like brave new world or across the universe, but just wish I didn't psycho analyze myself and I didn't know what's good or bad just that I keep doing it. Better to be able to think "one foot at a time" than to know "you're tired because of the lactic acid building in your veins and muscles and your body is running out of ATP and molecules used for ATP."

Exam week

Shit am I just not good with stats and conceptual topics? Why am I so slow with math and reading? Stats AP-I was last one done and I needed more time. Stats college class- I ran out of time. When sharing and reading together, I'm always the last person to finish reading-and not even just by seconds!! It's by minutes! Or I skim and I don't know but I technically read it. Ugh why WHY! Why me?? Hate my brain. Hate my slowness and simple minded self. I can analyze sure just just averagely. I need to escape into my own little world or music tv stories and pictures. And throw some art and rafts in and I'm good to go. Shit, you know what this sounds like? A 10year old!! Ok maybe lets say I like sports and adventuring and stuff but I'm not athletic enough. I'm not exactly the one with the brightest ideas. I can't hear evrything everyone says something's, and so that hinders my social life too. I have no confidence in myself and what I do because rod the afore mentioned "disabilities." I'm not diagnosed and I don't think I should be since I'm functikning pretty normally. Just slow enough to be at the bottoms of the food chain, fast enough not to officially need help. WHY ME?!?!?

Stinking exams.. They always get me up in a knot, acting like I'm less than nothing.

No no no no tooooo slow NO!

Shit am I just not good with stats and conceptual topics? Why am I so slow with math and reading? Stats AP-I was last one done and I needed more time. Stats college class- I ran out of time. When sharing and reading together, I'm always the last person to finish reading-and not even just by seconds!! It's by minutes! Or I skim and I don't know but I technically read it. Ugh why WHY! Why me?? Hate my brain. Hate my slowness and simple minded self. I can analyze sure just just averagely. I need to escape into my own little world or music tv stories and pictures. And throw some art and rafts in and I'm good to go. Shit, you know what this sounds like? A 10year old!! Ok maybe lets say I like sports and adventuring and stuff but I'm not athletic enough. I'm not exactly the one with the brightest ideas. I can't hear evrything everyone says something's, and so that hinders my social life too. I have no confidence in myself and what I do because rod the afore mentioned "disabilities." I'm not diagnosed and I don't think I should be since I'm functioning pretty normally. Just slow enough to be at the bottoms of the food chain, fast enough not to officially need help. WHY ME?!?!?

tsk tsk

Why say repells wind and rain? I'm pretty sure If it repels rain, it repels wind, insects, and debris. Unless its faulty and had leaks and such. Or it's loos like a tent, then there's no guarantee and I'd be asking why the hell did you buy something that repels ONLY rain. And steady rain at that since most rains are usually accompanied by gusts of wind...

also....

Ever notice how a class sounds from the outside? It makes students sound like robots. Most of it is due to the anonymous factor, where you don't know who is speaking and what the topic is. Either way, just listening in, you can't tell when it's a student speaking and when it's the teacher. The thing is, it turns into one of those satiristics cartoons, where you hear the voices you see general shapes and faces since you don't know the real life person , and stuff like that. Then you hear " it says she's passionless and this and that... So this means... " this makes it sound like its a " right answer Or we Americans are just like those scientists who poke and probe at specimens and observe results and the teacher is like the head scientist controlling these rats heartlessly. I walked past a history class and the teacher spoke about how this person is horrible or "the USA is so arrogant and..." Listening in on them, you could confirm how arrogant we are in our education. We silently take the teacher's word for it that this is what happened, why it happened, how it happened, and though they don't specify who's right or wrong, the curriculum is shaped so that anyone can see who's right and we think we're using our own analysis and thinking, but we're , mindlessly absorbing all the "right info" to ace the test.

 

our world is soo weird! we're strange and I don't understand out way of life!

First, I wanted law school because I like to criticize, but then I found out I'm not good with confrontational arguing. Then I wanted arts and all but that died because I knew I wouldn't make enough money for the kind of lifestyle I wanted. Then throughout my 1st year of college, I had multiple interests and change in plans. I wanted bioengineering for the challenge, then found it's more math than science, then i wanted pharmacy for flexibility but there are tonnnns of classes to take, then I wanted to be a surgeon b/c it sounded cool but heard it was superrr hard.

What am I to do? UGH!! I WANT to major in EVERYTHING!!! I want to do a little bit of EVERY THING! I CAN'T DECIDE!!!

Such a let down

I planned to run, finish reading my book for class, do some homework, go to a fair with my friend, and then at the fair I had a few things I planned to do once I knew about them, but I missed it. I missed it all.

Tried reading, but it was too cold so I snuggled in my bed. The book was a theory book on quantum physics and my bed was so comfy and the book was so boring, so I slept away my reading and running time. I dressed for quidditch, wearing navy top and bottoms, and I had no fashion today just so I could get dirty at practice, but I missed it because I was waiting in a line at the fair. Then at the fair I was planning to go with my friend, but she was busy and I was going to be busy later. So I went around myself, found other friends, but we went too late and the turtle stress balls were gone and the free coffee mug was gone and no one had anymore bags to give out. The airbrush t-shirt was pretty, but I rushed my"customising" so that I ended up wanting my shirt to say something else. The fre was packed by the time I got there at 4pm (when it started) and I was last in line. I left that 2 hr line to wait for my t-shirt, but that took forever.build-a-bear and the line was short after only 1 hour. I waited but turns out they only have the ugly bears to give out. And by then, I was hoping I could make up some time and rush to my car, move it closer for later, and finish some homework, but it just didn't happen. I wanted to see this other friend that I hadn't seen in a week, but I didn't get to. I wanted to get ahead in class, but I didn't have time.

Today. Was. Such. A. Let. Down.

Dressed ugly. Didn't get to run or practice. Didn't get the stuff I wanted at the fair. Didn't do the work I wanted to finish. Didn't do anything that I wanted. I feel like I need to hit something, but what? I hit a person, I'll feel bad. I hit a wall, I'll die. I hit my car, well...no one wants that. I hit my pillow, it's not resistant enough. I want to run and let out the energy build-up in my arms and legs, but how?! I used to go down to my yard and stab a knife into the soil, but last time I did that I bent the knife because there was a rock in there....

I want to stress eat. I want to watch a movie and drown out my own life. I want to write away my frustration. I hate wasting time. I hate not being independent and on top of things. I hate being such a bum. But then again, that may just be how I see myself. Others may envy me for all I know, but as far as I can tell, that's not happening. I'm awkward, I don't think quite rationally sometimes, I am just a bit above average academically, I am just a bit above average physically (as in staying fit), and I can never finish anything or focus on only one thing. I know there are worse things, but I just... I don't know... I need to fix me before I fix others. Some kid may very well be starving to death, but I'm driving myself crazy and as long as I'm bipolar and confused about life, no one will be getting anything from me.

is it right for me to complain about how professors teach? ok, so I know they're collegiate and we're expected to know that level of speech. but, hey - these professors are no longer speaking english. They're speaking professor. in a lower level course for genEd stuff, they are speaking as if we give a damn what they're talking about!!! we just want to graduate! Yes i know that means we need to be well rounded, but that doesn't mean we need to waste brain storage area for humanities stuff! we just need the general idea!

Me thinking outloud...

I'm not sure anymore... I do want to be more social, and I am inside, but I need some confidence booster. I need some way to forget my self-conciousness. I overthink everything, or I completely blank out and have nothing to say and then I say stuff that sounds dumb. Thing is, I don't trust myself. If you lived inside my head for ehh, I guess like a week? Yea, you'd have your doubts too.

F****** hate how lazy I am sometimes and that I'm not as smart as my friends. They all have 4.00 GPAs in college and are following super intense majors with hard classes and I'm just idling back, teetering between every major and still just taking intro courses for some courses.

Anyway, yesterday was weird. I know we're competitive in quidditch, but outof nowhere everyone was yelling. And not juist "goddamn, you suck" but like "Fuck, STOP!" apparently someone got mad at this other kid and they were nearly in a fight. This uper nice guy on the team ran up to try and stop the raging player, and well, he's fundamentally a good person so I didn't think he'd do anything, but he was in a dilemna with himself, storming on and off the field trying to decide whether to hit the other kid. We ran laps, I died, and I got benched again. I seriously feel like I'm the Ron weasley of the team, and I'm only a beater. But ok.

Is this my coming of age time? Is this what it's like to live like those people in the coming of age books? Because the books make it so dramatic, but readers can always see the easy answer staring you in the face. Where's my easy way out? I have none! I need a life. Like now.

No, I have a life, I'm just not doing anything with it! It's so much easier giving advice than following advice. This is why people hate therapists and psychologists. They've got answers, advice, and stuff, but if they were in that position, with those complicated relationships and awkward situations with out line of thought running through their heads, they wouldn't be worth that $50 an hour. They'd be in the same position as the rest of us.

this weekend

People are soooo completely ignorant and over the top sometimes! You don't know friends and people until you've seen them party or seen them bored. I spent the weekend with some friends, but apparently staying home with friends doing origami and watching movies means "no life."

So this weekend, there was a dance hosted by the quidditch team. Sure, yea, I'm on the team, but it's not like I'm buddy buddy with all of them. I saw them 2 times a week for 3 week last semester, and I only saw them once this semester so far. So at the dance I tried to dance and you know, hopefully get my friends to not feel awkward and go with it. Yea, there weren't as many people at the dance as I'd thought, and some of the music wasn't quite as Dance-able as you'd expect at a dance, but hey, you got dressed and paid to go there, you might as well have fun right? But one friend, I won't name, totally hated it. She started off ok, "oh I can't dance to this, oh this is not a dance song..." and ok, yea I see. Then she complained about the people dancing and how weird they look and I don't know. Grinding I can understand making fun of but people goofing off? UGH!! I hated her for the night for not even trying to have fun. I was super excited and was expecting you know, a dance is what you make of it, so we could make it enjoyable. But nope. She outright hated it. Then, going back to the team and all, lol, I said hi and all that to a few people, but then since they weren't doing anything, they basically pressured me out to sociallize. Sure I'll socialize with the team, but not when put on the spot like that. Plus don't people usually go up to friends with with their own friends so they can introduce each other and have fun together? I was open to that, but They didn't seem too interested... idk, we left after about 30 minutes of a 4 hour dance. Just wasn't fun when my supposed friend criticized everything about the dance. I didn't know what to do, I usually trail along or something. Ugh, maybe I seem more social than I really am, because I am really awkward if you knew how and what I were thinking.

Then we went searching for some club to go to or some college party to join, and at first I was excited about it. I went to a club once, and everyone was sober and laughing and totally having fun. I didn't know what a college party was like, maybe like that club so I said yes, lets go to one. We went and it was a little apartment with 2 some people all looking like they were freidns and drunk or drinking. So maybe the club I went to was with ASL interpreters and they were too educated and mature to get crazy drunk. Maybe I only saw the studious side of my friends and didn't know they wanted to get drunk too. As we got ready for the party, everyone was saying they were ready to get drunk. Everyone was dressing sexy and I was just saying I wanted to look hot but casual. Maybe a graphic Tee and jeans. Nope. I was wearing my party friend's high waited short-is skirt and a thin top. And the previous night we  were making origami decor and I thought I was fun and all, but I guess I'm still in the naiive little girl stage in life, where I'm happy with just a sleepover, movies, crafts with friends. sharing pictures and all. Wish I had geeky friends like on the quidditch team, but not way overly competitive and atheletic like them. I don't really fit in with them because I guess I'm too girly for contact sports, too atheletic for my studious friends, too reserved for my party friends and too self concious about other stuff for my class friends.

I try. I really do. I try to be outgoing. I try to match my ideal personality. I'm totally crazy and loud and opinionated and fun in my head and online. but with real people and all, I don't know how to be myself out there. I try, but then every now an then people are making me rethink myself. Don't want to be that kid who is super annoying and can't get a hint, but don't want to be that kid who'd super selfconcious(which is what I am now). Great. Drama. Personal. Emotional. Social. Drama.

(I usually think along lines of "do it yourself," but the normal thing is "get help and go from there." I assume you don't need to use names and all and just need to care for everyone, but everyone is saying "YOU NEED TO USE NAMES!! You need to thank people, but I assume some situations you would know who helped who out and you don't need thank yous and it's implied, but apparently not. Don't they say something like the hardest thing to say is "Help me" and "Thank you"?

Idk, I feel better after hanging out with them the day after, going to lunch and just chilling out. But the oast two nights, friday and saturday night --> WORSE TIME WITH FRIENDS!