I'm not sure anymore... I do want to be more social, and I am inside, but I need some confidence booster. I need some way to forget my self-conciousness. I overthink everything, or I completely blank out and have nothing to say and then I say stuff that sounds dumb. Thing is, I don't trust myself. If you lived inside my head for ehh, I guess like a week? Yea, you'd have your doubts too.
F****** hate how lazy I am sometimes and that I'm not as smart as my friends. They all have 4.00 GPAs in college and are following super intense majors with hard classes and I'm just idling back, teetering between every major and still just taking intro courses for some courses.
Anyway, yesterday was weird. I know we're competitive in quidditch, but outof nowhere everyone was yelling. And not juist "goddamn, you suck" but like "Fuck, STOP!" apparently someone got mad at this other kid and they were nearly in a fight. This uper nice guy on the team ran up to try and stop the raging player, and well, he's fundamentally a good person so I didn't think he'd do anything, but he was in a dilemna with himself, storming on and off the field trying to decide whether to hit the other kid. We ran laps, I died, and I got benched again. I seriously feel like I'm the Ron weasley of the team, and I'm only a beater. But ok.
Is this my coming of age time? Is this what it's like to live like those people in the coming of age books? Because the books make it so dramatic, but readers can always see the easy answer staring you in the face. Where's my easy way out? I have none! I need a life. Like now.
No, I have a life, I'm just not doing anything with it! It's so much easier giving advice than following advice. This is why people hate therapists and psychologists. They've got answers, advice, and stuff, but if they were in that position, with those complicated relationships and awkward situations with out line of thought running through their heads, they wouldn't be worth that $50 an hour. They'd be in the same position as the rest of us.
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