Mixed everything

UGHHH!!!!!!

I HATE people!!! I HATE how people don't tell you exactly what's wrong, why they do or don't like you or if they like you at all!!!! Fuck, it's what I do too, so I guess I have no place, but I FRIGGING NEED TO KNOW!!!! I was the ONLY one I knew who was super excited to go to Maryland day, and I invited 5 different people. One was busy studying, one didn't know if she had enough time to finish stuff, one was going to get back to me about her schedule, one was fixing her hair, one was volunteering and was gonna tell me where to find her and when. BUT NOONE FRIGGING CAME!!! One girl said ok, but cancled the day before! Fucking idiots!!! I wanted to go to volunteer and get a free t-shirt, but nooooo they didn't need me. So I decide to go for fun, play games, get prizes, enjoy some sun and non-school time. but noooo no one had time. Then the day passed. Guess who did go? My friend who was too busy, my friend who was volunteering and said she'd tell me when and where she would be for me to go, my friggin other friends who always do things together without me and I have no idea why I'm the third wheel!!! WHY!!! Why can't I ever be the SECOND wheel!!!!!!!! Fucking hate this... why, why don't people like me? Why can I not have a freaking social life? I tried being myself, not working. I tried playing victim, not working. I tried being super happy, not working. I tried acting "cool", not working.

HATE MYSELF!! HATE PEOPLE!!! HATE LIFE!!!!!!!!

On the other hand, I frickin' get to be Treasurer for Red cross club, Secretary for ASL club, and I get a free mug and breakfast tomorrow if I get to school early!!! I have... ok, I don't have great grades, and I'm freaking out about life and academics and such, but I MIGHT BE UTA!!! I HAVE PASSING GRADES!!!!

Then I have easy classes. I have soooo much time wasted. I don't feel as bad as I used to about myselef, but I feel so... AVERAGE!!!

I'm sooo desperate for a guy, I dream of potential boyfriends with every guy I talk to!! I get excited just talking and interacting with a guy!! ugh, I need to go out more.

oooooooooooo..................... ok. I got this. Let's go.

reflecting over my semester and the past two weeks...

NOOOOOOOO! Why can't people steal my bike, my phone, or something else I WANT to lose? Why steal the one thing I actually NEED?? grr, I've got assignments, schedules, exams dates, events, agendas and notes all listed on that ipod, plus games with my achievements that I now have to re-play because stupid people want ipods they find :( RAWR!!!!

But then I found out.... IT WASN'T STOLEN!!! Yea, I knew I left it in the lab, but I figured someone'd steal it. But... YAY!!! NO it didn't!!

Today I thought I'd lost my 3 year old iPod when I left it at school. Thank god Karma was working with me today and some good soul found it. Here's what they sent me using my email: "Hey I found your iPod in the math computer lab and I'm going to leave it in the math building lost & found. I hope you find it!" THANK YOU WHOEVER THIS IS!!!!

Anyway Today I went to a volunteer thing with America reads Day, and got to talking with people about school. So This semester what have I encountered? A girl who doesn't follow lab proceedures and thinks she's so amazing she comes over 15 minutes late to lab everyday and answers her phone in class and mixes two chemicals together that you shouldn't but she did anyway because she was curious!! It reacted and turned into a brown bubbling mix that was gross and I don't know if it smelled, but it sure as hell looked like it would smells. looked like quicksand in a test tube. Then one time, she actually TOOK chemicals from lab and when we forgot how the reaction looked, she whipped out the chemicals and was like, "oh, let's see what happens!" NOOOOO! This is Calcium and H2O we're talking about! No!

Another thing I've encountered was a guy would wouldn't wear shoes even when he is so obviously carrying a pair to class. I saw him today too and not in class but he still didn't have shoes. Yes he has shoes, but he doesn't wear them. His feet are dirty, his toenails aren't clean and clear They're like dried and stuff... you know what it looks like when you don't manage your toenails for around a year.... Plus this is a guy foot - llike as in he had veins around, not arc in the foot to give viewers and asthetic appeal or anything!!

Then I've met this guy who would smoke whenever he had the chance! If he's waiting on our group, and it doesn't look like we'll be ready in the next 5-10minutes, he'll excuse himself to go have smoke!!! WHY?? seriously, just take a break, use school as a distraction from your bad habits!! Grr.

Another thing is a bomb threat in a library, a freakin' week of misfortune (Boston bombing, Texas plant explosion, ricen threat to Prers. and Senator, suspect killed, another hospitalized in a suicide attempt, and a nephew that killed his off-duty officer uncle, and a perv hitting on me within the first 30minutes of meeting him in the metro on the way to DC from school).

Then another week of just pure crushes and romance. Actually, no, I've been dreaming and dreaming of love and boyfriends and dates and flirting with cute guys and all that. But it's this week that seriously just blossumed into OMG! level. Like, I got excited and prepped up my looks for guys, I thought about them, and all that! Yes, before I said I didn't like my TA in a lovey-dovey way, but I'm starting to see a crush forming!! But it's all good because now it's two weeks from the last day in lab! But just seeing him not in a lab coat, without glasses, with one of those string necklaces guys wear to show they're laid back or whatever, and the two of us TALKING nearly every other day!! Given it's just chem and doesn't go beyond that, but... ugh, this is so high school.

Another guy, he's a year older and I know he has a girlfriend because people always talk about him spending time with her, but yea he is actually kinda cute!! I've always liked him from the beginning just cuz he's chill, laid back, funny, and sort of cute. He's friendly and AMAZING!!!! And the friday before this week, we got to talk!! and yesterday, he texted me because he found my bracelet!!! Yea, another girl in the ASL club had my number, but he text me and said he had my bracelet, not HER!! Yea, she's my friend, and it'd be cool if she texted me about it - then we can converse and totally be girly and talk about jewelry, but... Girls, you know why this is exciting. Then yesterday, I saw the guy from my philosophy group (actually it's 5 guys and me in our group, but only 1 guy is on a casual level with me, and others are just still classmates to me) and we chatted and he got to see me when I wore one of my cuter outfits that wasn't completely revealing like others' are nowadays.

Yea, these guys are all asian, and the guys who liked me but I rejected were all black, but that doesn't mean I prefer asian, and hate blacks. I just don't like pushy guys who make their move the first time I meet them. Oh, ok, so one guy was indian and he was just weird, not pushy. Kind of like Steve Urkle, but he wasn't genius or funny. He was plump, gross, and dirty minded. But the other two guys I rejected were black and had great moves, just at the wrong time. And the guys I do like? They were friendly and easy to talk to and are the closest guys I talk to.

I just want a guy who's funny, sweet, interesting  not gross, and smart. Is that too much to ask? Maybe. I mean, I don't have much to offer either. I'm sweet, smart(depends), and sarcastically funny and I'm interesting, I think. Actually this is one of my insecurities, but yeah right I let it get to me infront of people.

Alright, alright, I'm alllll good now. Thanks for listening! Hahaha I'm totally calm now, compared to how I was earlier.

whaaaat..?

Whaddup with McKeldin?

So I go biking across campus and try to take a short cut in front of the library, but turns out I can't cross there because they're checking the place out because an alarm went off. They got the entire 7 or 8 floors of mckeldin sitting outside waiting on them and Now, 2 hours after I first found out about therm, they're still closed. People be waiting on computer usage, homework doing, study grouping, printing, books and research, and I even heard one kid complaining he needed to get inside to get his backpack he left upstairs!

The hell?! Like, this is what happens after a bombing, in a city, not an alarm I never heard at the heart of the campus 2-3 weeks before school lets out!! Thank god I didn't have stuff to do there. Then as I walked back from dinner, I see this kid from one of the journalism or new report stuff on campus filming the scene!! Officers standing guard not letting people in, their cop car parked on the sidewalk around the corner, and people just wondering what the hell is goin on!!

Ok, Now I'm curious. I wish I were there to see this alarm, hear it, or be apart of it. And maryland day is coming up in 3 days, so we have tents all set up outside and everywhere too. Ohmygodddd this is just crazy!!! Well, atleast it's something new and it's exciting to have something goin' on rather than plain ol' nuthin.

Like really, I'm done with this TA. She all over the place and wastes everybody's time with meaningless thing because she likes to show off how much more she knows than us.

I don't think teachers understand how valuable time is for a student. Please don't ask me to wait for you to finish with other students and then tell me to try again in two days because you've got 30minutes left and can't answer 1 question for me. Yep, thank you for wasting 30minutes of my time. Will you do the physics homework I didn't have time to do? Or better yet, tell my TA that I didn't finish because you asked me to wait and then didn't even end up helping me.

Oh metro... oh guys... oh me...

So yesterday was fun. No. Not fun. AMAZING!!!!! Ha ha I got to talk with this cute guy in our group, he's got my number as of Wednesday  but yea, we're still just casual friends. Like not even "oh let's hang out whenever!" kind of friends but just "cool, we'll see each other in club next week. Or next. Or the next week." Grr. But yea, we chatted and YAY YAY YAY!! Plus I parked my bike out in the tornado. tied my helmet to it too. And I totally had time to move it because other people were late and I ended up waiting!!! Grrrrr. But anyway. I'm starting to see a pattern in guys I like, guys who like me, and - Oh. MY. GOSH! Have I got a story about guys liking me....

Just realized this, btw, after meeting this creeeepy guy yesterday!

Ok, well, not creepy, just weird. So here's a re-cap:

We were on a trip the 12 of us to a show in DC. We took a metro from school to get there, and we find a guy headed in our direction, though a little further. But the half of our group who found him were welcoming and was like "ok, sure hang with us, whatever." Yea, then he just hung with me. I did know him. I didn't want to talk to him. I wanted to be with my friends. But that didn't happen. Then I notice his hand on my knee when I was talking to my friend behind me.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

Hold up.

We met him for 5 minutes, and he's already movin' in? Uh uh. I was just like "Fuckkkkk why me? Kid, I ain't  know you like that. What is all this business " Actually, I thought of saying that, but in reality, I just shrugged off his arm and crossed my leg away from him. I immediately started staring out the window and replied with short answers. He still didn't get the hint. That idiot. Thank god I was saved by the bus. We were moving out and soo glad he was not coming. Yea, he was nice, but just, you know, you don't hit on someone you meet on the metro within the first 10 minutes. You just don't. Ugh, Plus it's so awkward trying to hint to a nice guy that you're seriously on different pages. Like I'm on page one of the first harry potter book and you're on page 395 in the 6th book.

This was n't so much creepy as it was awkward and just weird.

Shit, he goes to my school. Guess I'll look the other way if I see him. Teehee. Though we all know I'm too nice for that. I'll probably chat and rush off to the library or fake like I've got a class.

So this is the second guy who I felt absolutely NO attraction to and did not even THINK about us being together. Another guy, from last year, did the same thing!! the two of us also friendly chatted away our time and I was just thinking "Yay! I can be social!!" while the guy's probably like "Oh, cute girl. Maybe we can be together!"

No. NOT why I started talking to you. If I liked you, I'd be totally embarrassing and awkward and NOT as comfortable as I am right now. If I liked a guy, I'd laugh a little too hard, have trouble not smiling when I talk to you, and just... ugh. I don't even want to think about how I act around guys I like. They'd be totally chill and AMAZING and I'd be wigging out in my corner due to the fact we're still talking. Well, the first thing is, the guys I didn't like who liked me, they started to make their move WAYYY too soon. Like the first time I hung out with either of them, they started to get close. Guys I like? Yea, I WISHED (with alllllll my heart!) that they'd get a hint and make a move. Freakin' me, I would never DARE make a move first. Of all the embarrassment I'd put myself through? Then you expect me to make the fist move? And hope for the best? Yea. That's  gonna happen.

So tell me, like please tell me. Why? Why does this happen? I need friends who'll give these guys a hint for me. But Yep, I've seen the movies - wherre the wing man (or wing girl in this case) turns out to be the one the guy likes and fall for. Luckily that's never happened and I can't imagine what I'd do if that did happen. I'd be all over the place wacky and weird and even more embarrassing. No matter what I tell myself now, I KNOW I won't follow my own instructions later. Yep, so much for that!

Anyway, I need to sleep. I think I need to get up early tomorrow, so NIGHT!

Stressed. Embarassed. And totally Clueless.

So... crazy bike experience. skimmed the curb and nearly fell off my speeding bike (uh oh, THAT's not good) and my bike fell over in my hands while I was trying to turn around (SOOO embarrassing) and TOTALLY missed ramps and such around campus and had to turn around and go to a ramp I KNEW was there (stinkin' campus is really not bike friendly!). I had to walk my bike up and down, I totally cut in front of a guy with my bike (OOPS! REALLLLLY didn't mean it. awkward!!), and I rode around with a dress....

Yea, sooooooo amature as a campus biker. Or maybe I just have a really rachet bike?

Don't know. Plus I'm so. thouroughly. and completely. embarrassed of my ASL. A deaf guy was signing to me saying he'd help me with my signing speech, but I TOTALLY didn't even realize he was talking to me!!! I thought he was presenting, but - ugh. Oh. My. God. I. hate. Life.

Whatever. I'm past that and now, I need to worry about everything else. Like philosophy, physics, and 50380 other things!!!!

Nothing. At. All.

So guess what I saw? :)

1) People (like 3 ish) poised and aiming their camera in my car's direction. It's 9pm. It's dark and empty out. They're are huddled there with equipment set up. And as I pass I see their camera following my car!!! Creeps!!! But it IS college and people could be doing a project for any class. Nowadays, there's a class for everything, and all sorts of wacky odd and innovative projects or creative ways people complete projects, so that coulda just been a project they're working on. Or.... Or it coulda been people taking action shots, practicing action shots, practicing action night shots, who knows. They coulda been filming for some youtube thing, or just catching a clip for their own video. Or..... they coulda been stalkers looking for their next victim. And you'll know when I stop posting and I disappear from the face of the earth and there's a missing person's report.

2) a girl actually using those rounded exercise shoes!! Like, it's the same kind of idea as those Nike ankle trainers or something, but these were giant ovals, atleast 3 inches tall for the short part of the oval. the long part of the oval was the span of her foot. So this girl was walking around with her feet 3 inches off the ground, with empty oval/circle things under her looking like some futuristic something  Weird. As much as I want strong feet, I would NEVER want to train with that! I'd use those pulley things that stretch, or I'd run or do ANYTHING else that's NOT using those.... whatever they're called!!

Aside from that, I just hate myself alll over. On the plus side, I like my figure. My silhoutte is sexy as hell, but in a mirror in some light, I'm just average joe with a lumpy face. But the reason I hate myself is not my looks - I'm happy with that - no, I hate my habits!! I totally blew off 5 hours of homeworking this weekend, and I wasted 2 more hours today just facebooking, email-checking, TV watching, photo searching, game playing, and stressing over not running or being fit or being super smart or having time to read Harry potter. UGH!!!!!!!!! This isn't the hopeless kind of frustration, but just the  why-the-hell-would-you-do-that-?? frustration. Which I guess is better, but it makes me feel like a failure. I don't know.
I could have ADHD, I could have some reading/speaking/spelling/math-ing/brain retardation, but I may not. I may be anorexic or depressed or bipolar or any other disorder, but I'm just so slightly a part of each of these disorder that individually, I'm none of them. But together, I have something wrong.... I don't know. It's 12:52. I'm going to bed. Wow, I probably won't even get to do the 5 assignments I planned to do tomorrow that I put of tonight... So much for planning ahead!

Yippee yay yay!

Literally this has been the craziest and also the best week EER!! So this Guy in my philosophy group and I can casually converse and today he TOTALLY NOTICED BRACELETS I WORE!! Yea I've had them everyday, but hey, better than never. He said it in the beginning of the meeting and later at the end!!!! I'm bursting with excitement!! Plus I have clothes that completely work in hot weather!! I looked cute for three days !! I know, sounds so blond, so high school, and totally girls and stupid, but even of no one says it, everyone feels good when they always look good and get to talk with people they like :) then my chem TA, yea I know, he's cute, but I don't see us together. But he's still cute and I still get to spend time with him!! Then I saw him when I was walking to class later!! Outside of meetings and class!! Ok ok, I'm not goin to gush over potential I won't act on. But on another note...

I got a free helmet and a roommate for next year and stickers!!!!! Yay!! I get to bike around school and be cool and I'm running for treasurer for ASL club next year!!!

Whoo. Breath. Ok. Alsooo, I just finished a bio exam I think I did ok on and I'm starting to run again and eeeeeeee!! Totally wayyy too much happening and too much to keep track of. TONS of homework and tons to keep an eye on. Ugh. Plus today was a bit embarrassing. We had an exam and its silent and half way through, my stomach decides to growl. And I mean growwwwwll. It was the long loud and silencing growl that everyone is like "shit she's starving!" But I didn't run. I drank a glass of milk. I ate a banana. I was inns eat my lunch after class. But nope. My stomach decided to misbehave. Plus it ALWAYS does this. I'm not hungry. I have my foods and meals and all. but I'm skinny and my stomach growls and people think "anorexia alert!"

gguh... I don't have high metabolism bc if I did I'd have a proportionate stomach. But I'm not anorexic because I eat regularly I don't stress and suffer over eating the least and exercising more. I totally eat when I'm hungry and I don't stop til I'm full, which I usually quick. But then I get hungry a bit later and I eat again. Why WHY!!

Whatever, I still ha a great week and I'm Lovin life!

Rawrr

I am free of allergies.
I require no medication.
I have no physical and/or genetic disabilities
However,
I feel as if i seriously
SERIOUSLY have
ADHD.
OCD.
Asthma.
Bipolarity.
Dyslexia.

I can't pay attention in class at times,
no matter how much I want to or need to or try.
I remember the oddest things to stress about
throughout the day during the most inconvenient times.

I obsess over little things,
checking
double checking
even triple checking random things in my life.
Even when I know and I'm sure I've done everything.

I run.
I'm wheezing after 5 minutes.
I hike.
I pant after a few steps.
I walk up a hill to my parked car.
I'm out of breath after I cross a quarter of the hill.
Not even that steep.

I switch between moods per person
within minutes. Maybe seconds.
I can be extremely grumpy and depressing and stressed,
then be completely excited about something that happens.

I read.
I write.
Occasionally, I spell out of order.
I read a word as something else.
So I read and re-read a sentence to find my mistake.

I don't know.
I just don't know.

Well, I tried to be poetic, but it's not working. teehee :) But I got this down atleast! :)

Crazy yet enjoyable week for me

I’m soo on top of everything! LOVE that I have my ipod touch as an organizer. Calendar of my schedule and events, and a check list or "reminders" app to write up my to-do list. Then I've got the notes page to do my own personal writing of sorts. Then the rest of my ipod is dedicated to music and games. And it's only like 3 or 4 games I play. I have others just incase I get bored, but I really only use my ipod for music and writing. SOOO amazing!

Anyway I was driving home and singing in my car yesterday and I caught this lady watching me sing while in traffic. Obviously the first thing people do is pretend they didn't see or they turn away quickly so as not to see what the other person will do.. well that's what I do. This lady – she stayed and SMILED!! I mean, ok it's not bad, but just weird. She has a friendly smile so it wasn't creepy but I just... no. I wouldn't. First person I've seen do that.

Anddd I fucking saw a girl in my class eating an apple with two hands!!! -________- wtf??
The apple was just a normal sized apple and could easily fit in one hand, but she... idk, something wrong with her. Or she thought she could be all delicate and cute. She was thin and had running gear on. See I hate these girls who run and stay thin, but no -- ohhh no, it's not cuz they like it. It's cuz they think they're hot and can wear whatever and they run not because they like it but because they stay thin. They're FAKE!! UGHhhhh, I can't stand it. See, I run but I like. Sure, I'm not good at it, and yes, it’s cool that I get my exercise in and stay fit, but I run to feel good and just have my alone time. I'd dance if I didn't feel stupid doing it, and I'd totally do other stuff too, but I'm not good at it. I suck at quidditch but I still love it. I'm like a Ron. I have that potential, but I get intimidated. And I don't know how to fix it. I can't just ignore what I know about other players. I can't lie to myself--- don't know how anyone can lie to themselves.

Whatever. I need to get on my homework because it's just piling up. Come back from break with half a day to do a week's worth of homework. Then the weekend after I get down on the work and I finish what's due (sort of) but I still haven't fully studied and I didn't get a chance to get ahead like I need to. So the next weekend I want to lock my self up in my room to finish work, but lo and behold! I signed up and committed to Good neighbor day and now I have plans for half the weekend. Sure I could skip and not get hours, but I want to go because it sounds fun and girl, I get a free T-shirt. 'course I'm going. Ugh, atleast college exams aren't as crazy difficult as high school's. I literally started getting depressed over how little I knew and how unprepared I was when I heard about tests coming. Now, I'm studying ahead, doing this and that. I think cuz I have more free time and I feel good about being able to be mature and handle myself. But I'm not so sure about next year when I dorm and have complete freedom.... We'll see.

And also today, I took the bus to go to my class across campus.. HO hoo, was THAT a mistake. I could've walked across campus and gotten there in... ehh, enough time, but my leg still hurt from break and I wanted to take the bus.... little did I know, the bus went all the way off campus and turned around to go somewhere far far FAR away, then go to the little-beknownst areas of the college campus. So I rush to class looking at a bus map to find my way on feet. On my way, I saw a worker guy backing up a truck though somehow he didn't get his buddy's signal to stop. You know when you back up a big truck you have someone standing at the rear to tell you when to stop or something - well there was a guy at the back, the driver just wasn't listening. The guy at the back just waved to stop, like they always do. but the truck kept goin', so he walked out from behind and waved frantically. Then he resorted to yelling, then rushing to the driver!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL! Made. My. Day.

Well, that's my update for this week. Though you're probably right if you think This isn't it. Yea, there's more. it's just not coming up until I finish with my stuff.