Mixed everything

UGHHH!!!!!!

I HATE people!!! I HATE how people don't tell you exactly what's wrong, why they do or don't like you or if they like you at all!!!! Fuck, it's what I do too, so I guess I have no place, but I FRIGGING NEED TO KNOW!!!! I was the ONLY one I knew who was super excited to go to Maryland day, and I invited 5 different people. One was busy studying, one didn't know if she had enough time to finish stuff, one was going to get back to me about her schedule, one was fixing her hair, one was volunteering and was gonna tell me where to find her and when. BUT NOONE FRIGGING CAME!!! One girl said ok, but cancled the day before! Fucking idiots!!! I wanted to go to volunteer and get a free t-shirt, but nooooo they didn't need me. So I decide to go for fun, play games, get prizes, enjoy some sun and non-school time. but noooo no one had time. Then the day passed. Guess who did go? My friend who was too busy, my friend who was volunteering and said she'd tell me when and where she would be for me to go, my friggin other friends who always do things together without me and I have no idea why I'm the third wheel!!! WHY!!! Why can't I ever be the SECOND wheel!!!!!!!! Fucking hate this... why, why don't people like me? Why can I not have a freaking social life? I tried being myself, not working. I tried playing victim, not working. I tried being super happy, not working. I tried acting "cool", not working.

HATE MYSELF!! HATE PEOPLE!!! HATE LIFE!!!!!!!!

On the other hand, I frickin' get to be Treasurer for Red cross club, Secretary for ASL club, and I get a free mug and breakfast tomorrow if I get to school early!!! I have... ok, I don't have great grades, and I'm freaking out about life and academics and such, but I MIGHT BE UTA!!! I HAVE PASSING GRADES!!!!

Then I have easy classes. I have soooo much time wasted. I don't feel as bad as I used to about myselef, but I feel so... AVERAGE!!!

I'm sooo desperate for a guy, I dream of potential boyfriends with every guy I talk to!! I get excited just talking and interacting with a guy!! ugh, I need to go out more.

oooooooooooo..................... ok. I got this. Let's go.